My Truth

How do I tell the truth when I've been telling a lie for all these years


I don’t want to face the truth

it's dark and ugly while vibrant and freeing

how can it be

how can my truth be so multifaceted and complex

yet so simple

how can I keep living this lie when I know my truth lies just under the surface waiting for discovery

waiting for me to give life to it and breath

and maybe possibly some feet and teeth so it can take hold and run free

my truth is waiting to be set a loose

but my lie is easier to hold onto

it's familiarity keeps me here.

I know it

and it knows me

I can lie to it

and it to me

but I am not a liar

I don't tell lies

but I live carrying a lie

because immediately it feels lighter than the truth

the truth too heavy and I'm trying to get my muscles together but they're not cooperating

but the truth is looking for inviting day by day

and the lie............

My Thoughts Today

I've been in mourning and hiding. I have something I can't discuss until a later time. So I don't write, I don't blog thus I don't feel.
At the end it's just a day by day drudging I suppose...just going through the motions. But until I can unpack I don't think I will feel...

No longer in the play

OMG I almost forgot some news I can actually share. I am no longer in the play Pimps in the Pulpit. Why? Well the bottom line is because I was too sick to attend a photo shoot, so I was excused from the play. Now I've been trying very hard to keep my thoughts to myself but this is my blog and I haven't signed anything which prohibits me from speaking my peace so *heavy sigh of relief*
Let's take it back to the very beginning...Basim asked me if I as going to audition for this play and I said no, I listed several reasons why and left it at that. I never revisited the play or auditioning for it until a friend of mind reminded me. Now I believe I wrote about that previously so I'm not going to go too hard into it. But I auditioned and I made it (although the cocky part of me is like DUH) Fast forward to me having to purchase the book. Now I know several people read how much I enjoyed it (which I don't think I was nearly as honest about just how much I enjoyed *cough* this book) but I don't think too many people knew how ticked off I was at having to purchase the book. It's not the actual act of purchasing the book which angered me, it was the principal of the matter. While yes I auditioned to be in your play, the least you should do (in my humble opinion) is supply the proper tools necessary for me to do the *cough* contracted job. But no, after being told it was mandatory I read the book, I was not given a copy. Instead I was told I could purchase one from SBP or some local retailers. NOW with local retailers the disclaimer should have been it was print on demand only. Meaning they would not have copies readily available but I would have to order the book & wait for it to arrive. There was only 1 place who physically had a copy of the book and I think they're worth the shout out Black & Nobel 
Now I must mention that my lovely fiance was kind enough to go get the book and when he arrived asking for the book, the proprietor looked somewhat amazed that no one else had been there. Apparently, he was aware his store was the only store with physical copies for those who hadn't purchased from SBP directly. It appeared, from Basims account, that he was also aware no one had been informed. Sidebar: why can't we as black folks help each other out? I think it would have been wonderful to have used the collaboration to better both businesses.
Fast forward after the picnic, I was told I was going to get a contract by Sept 10...now for a while I was just not feeling things with this play. I can't quite lay my finger on it but nothing seemed to sit right with me. There are a few alleged celebrities (and I won't be rude and just tell you) who I question whether or not they'll actually be in the play. The venue has changed (which just happened but hey) and just overall a few things. Now I like to talk a lot...more than the average person. However, I do believe in concise communication thus when sending an email I make sure I only have to send one. PERIOD! I try to keep the email short and concise with all relevant information provided. HOWEVER I can't even begin to count how many emails I received, in one day...on the same thing but the following email would have clarification for the first email...or the fifth email would have clarification to the preceding emails. Now I don't mean to dog out SBP but 1. this is my blog 2. I hope that we can all learn from our mistakes. Please don't inundate me with meaningless info which could/should have been condensed and then proofread on the first attempt. Additionally, the service they used Constant Contact allows you to edit your email, schedule your email and a few other wonderful things PRIOR to sending the email. Once you send an email blast, you can track who's opened the email, interacted with it (if you put links in it) and some other cool metrics. But the point is you KNOW who's listening.
So after being sent countless emails, I also received text & voicemails..now if you know me you know how I feel about voicemails. But if you send me a text, followed with a voicemail AFTER sending me 30 emails-you've gotten on my nerves quite successfully. I'm not even going to go into how stupid the voicemail message was because it was...well my 3 month old niece could have left me a better SCRIPTED message.
 At any rate after all that I was still going to participate in the play provided the contract was to my liking. Now I just looked through the many emails I received to see when exactly I was told about the contract-August 8/19 I was told to email someone to obtain my contract. Let me just interject I didn't appreciate that either. I'm in your play, yes I work for you..but the whole notion that everyone must come to you for things you should provide is just perplexing to me. I noticed one day she put out a call for graphic designers and as people were giving her suggestions-she wanted the designers to email her directly. Ummm you need THEM not the other way around. So when I saw that I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me because that's just not my style. I believe in being humbly cocky-meaning there is a time for both but the key is to know when to be what.
I digress...so I emailed 8/23 asking for a copy of my contract and was told eventually I'd receive it along with my confidentiality agreement prior to our photo shoot so we could bring the physical copies with us to the shoot. Now this shoot also gave my angst because I never understood the reason behind it. I'm sure you're reading this thinking every production has a photo shoot which I'll agree to. However, the photo shoot was for headshots that were already provided when we auditioned because they weren't satisfied with those headshots. Ok that's fine too....so what's my issue? Asking me to pay for said photo shoot! I don't care how much it is, it's the principal. So right about then is when I got really aggitated. My spidey sense was tingling saying "if you have to pay to be in a production it's a scam"
There's way more but I don't feel like writing about this anymore...maybe I'll revisit...

So much on my mind.....

I've got a secret that I can't share with anyone and quite honestly, it's killing me. Well not killing me literally but it's eating me up. We all know I have a big mouth and I sometimes have trouble keeping things to myself. Especially when I don't think it's a big deal or anything that's a secret. And normally, my secret wouldn't be a secret...except given my life...it's a secret.

So every morning I wake up with my secret and look at it in the mirror Good Morning I cheerfully greet it. And every morning it looks at me, bewildered....trying to understand why exactly am I a secret again? And I honestly have an answer and that answer scares the shit out of me. See my secret....nope I can't share it..I can't elude to what it is either because....well that's cheating

Ok so how do I write about my secret in a way that helps me to release and still keep my secret? Someone suggested I actually write in my journal-negative because my mind moves faster than my hand. Then they suggested I send myself an email...so it can end up in email hell? I have tons of emails piling up that I've sent myself over the years which I've never opened.

So alas my secret remains just that. But I'm anxious to get it out....

Todays thoughts...

So I haven't had much on my brain to add to my book..too much life shit. My grandmother was back in the hospital this week. Originally they thought she had another TIA and was going to need a shunt to open a blocked artery. However, the head of neurology determined she didn't have a TIA and didn't need surgery. While that's awesome, she's been having severe chest pains since the weekend-which she told them about-and they did nothing. They sent her home & told her to follow up with her cardiologist. There are a few things angering me about the whole situation.
Now my grandmother is the most selfless person I know; there isn't anything she wouldn't do or give to a person in need. However, her health is the only thing she is selfish about. She goes to the doctors at least once a week for one thing or another (she'll be 80 at the end of the month and recognizes her age) but she NEVER follows doctors order to the t. If the doctor prescribes her medicine, she won't take it because she's concerned with how it will mix with her other prescriptions. Then if she does take the prescriptions she doesn't take the full dosage because she says medicine effects her differently and she doesn't like how they make her feel. That being said she doesn't actually like going to the doctors-I know I know so why does she go all the time???
So she's been having chest pains since the weekend-to the point where they've taken her breath away-but she hasn't taken any action. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital and of course she said no. So I left it alone because I didn't want to force her. But when she went to the hospital I assumed they would check into that as well but that would be the right thing to do. So they released her....awesome *insert sarcasm* So now she's still having chest pains and is scheduled to see the doctor tomorrow. But my issue is, since she was in a place that could have serviced her-why didn't they?
My grandmother also mentioned the cardiologist thought she might be going into congestive heart failure and scheduled a stress test which is why she was the hospital in the first place. So I'm ridiculously scared that she is slowly dying and no one is paying attention. I can't fight for her because I respect her wish to be in control. But that leaves me at a loss...I understand my grandmothers mortality and I hate it...but I think I'd prefer quality or quantity. So I don't want to overstep and go against her wishes and I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing.....

On to things I can actually control. So I've been struggling for months with weight loss. I've been going to the gym and working with ASY regularly but I can't say that I actually lost any weight. Physically all I did was tone but it was the best thing I ever did for my mental stability.
Working out allows me to air out my frustration. Most times I can visualize my issues and beat the crap out of them via my work out. Other times I'm too focused on working out & getting through it, I can't even think about my issues. In either capacity, after working out I always feel a million times better.
So I've been working out since January and wanted to actually lose weight but never did all the things needed to lose the weight. However, I finally listened to Barb and started eating properly. Well I am trying to maintain a 2,000 calories per day diet and sticking to water. So thanks to my new co-worker/friend Lauren I am able to pick better food choices. Now initially I used to think you had to diet and when I think of diet I think of sacrifice. I imagine all the food I love but shouldn't have and immediately that's all I want to eat. With my new 'diet' of 2,000 calories I can eat whatever I want provided it doesn't exceed my daily allowance.
So I look at this 'diet' as more of a lifestyle change. And I have to admit, the eating portion doesn't bother me at all. I had a chicken cheese steak the other night with some kettle cooked chips. Now instead of consuming the whole thing I cut it in half BEFORE I started and wrapped the rest. Then I only had 10 chips (I think Lauren says I can have 15 or something but I can't remember so I make 10 my magic number) which works for me because I don't eat a chips. Now the hard part is drinking all that water.
I used to LOVE water. I could drink it all the time without any issue. However, I didn't drink it exclusively.
Ok so right now I'm too tired to finish my thought but I'll try to revisit.

Ain't I American

Ain't I American or does my skin tone make me different
Ain't my money green or does my skin tone spend differently
It's been 5 years and I still don't matter
Back then you left me on roof tops with water rising over my head
Back then you sent the troops with their guns ablaze ready to kill me while trying to get food out of the store
Back then I sat in the Super Dome for days waiting for someone to help us
But I must not be American because I don't look like you
My money must not spend because I still can't get any help nor justice
Ain't I American or does my skin tone make me different
Ain't my money green or does my skin tone spend differently
You sent my family miles away with a one way ticket, no money and no directions
I had no phone number, no email, no pigeon, no cup to find my folks
Those left you put us in trailers
forgetting I OWNED my property
The deed on that house belonged to me free & clear
But I must not be American because you never even cared
You set me up in a double wide like I should be proud
So in that trailer I sat, day by day getting sicker
Only to tell me as an afterthought oh by the way your trailer has formaldehyde because it was made with shoddy materials by folks who didn't care I was forced to raise my family here
Ain't I American?
I must not be because I didn't have the proper insurance to cover a flood let alone the worst natural disaster in American history
that must not be important because my skin tone was wrong
When they had bush fires in California Tide showed up to help those folks wash their clothes
Yet because my house ain't worth $500,000 no one came to my rescue
While I watched bodies of my neighbors float by no one came to my rescue
And now I sit wondering if I'm American
now I sit losing my mind and there's no help for me
Now all the minor resources I had before the storm are no longer available to me
See because Katrina was really yo bottom bitch
She wiped me away, evicted me without you having to get your hands dirty
So now you can take my land and say it's imminent domain.
Now you can take my land and put a casino and whatever else you deem appropriate
So I must not be American and my money not be green
cause 5 years later I'm no better than when the water was over my head
Now I just can't see the water, can't feel the debris against my feet
Now all the swimming I do is in my head
Just trying to survive second to second minute to minute
But I'm not American and my money must not be green because I'm still waiting for someone to come rescue me from this roof top, the Super Dome, the bridge....I'm still there you don't see me??

It's days like this I miss having friends. Not that I don't have associates but no real friends. It's Friday night and there is not one person I can think of calling to see what's going on for the night. The people who I used to surround myself with, gone...for one reason or another ultimately our season is over.
So here I sit, throwing my own pity party...

Eat Pray Love the Book

So I finally finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. I must share it was the best book I think I've ever read. I say finally because it took me some time to digest simply because of the present self reflection period I'm in. There were times I had to put the book down and just think. I had to look back on the last year and think about so many things. Some days that would happen in just 1 page of reading and I must admit I'm a bit of a book worm. I LOVE to read, I inhale books. So anytime it takes me more than a few hours to read a book for pleasure there's something to be said (negative or positive).
However, I have to admit I saw the movie before I read the book which is abnormal for me. While there are some variations from the book (and some of them major), I think the movie is a cohesive compilation of the book. The casting directors choice of Richard, for example, spot on. I actually think seeing the movie first allowed me to hear Julia Roberts narration of the book which allowed me to enjoy it a tidbit more.
But back to the book.
The reason this book appeals to a massive amount of women (it's a true chickflick so I don't know of any men who saw the movie or read the book) is because we're always in a state of reflection. We're always looking for the green light to enjoy life, to speak our peace, overall to do something. Every woman in the world is waiting for someone to give them the go ahead to live the life they dream of, to feel all the feelings they have, to think the thoughts coursing through their brains a million miles a minute. Admittedly, this book allows you to do just that. Not only does this book give women the power they think only happens in the movies, it also allows them to live vicariously through the author. While reading the book, there were many instances I found myself laughing out loud, very loud, because I can vividly imagine that scene occurring in real life. There were times I found myself crying because I too have been in the authors shoes.
After reading this book (and seeing the movie) my outlook on life has dramatically shifted. Not because I received a new message but simply because God has given me further confirmation to my mothers earlier advice "It's time to LIVE" And so I shall thanks to the last nail off the coffin Eat Pray Love.

What Set I Rep

My religion is always in question. Who I worship is a question that sounds more like "Who's side are YOU on" to my ears. I'm Christian. BUT. Before you whip out your holy music & do a rain dance...I'm not YOUR Christian. I can't quote Bible verses all that well and I don't agree with you mostly.
I don't subscribe to the notion God didn't create gays/homosexuals/lesbians or whatever label/title you'd like to issue this month. I definitely don't believe that God has all sins laid out with numbers underneath signifying which sin is greater than the other, thus garnering Heaven or Hell. So if you're looking for that Christian, I'm sorry I can't help you.
Yes I believe that God is a loving God. Now what a loving God means to me:
He hugs & holds me when needed
He gives me beatings when needed
He listens when needed
And mostly He shakes His head at me
I know every day I wake up God is like "oh boy it's you again huh"
I'm honest with God
I tell Him when I'm angry at Him
I tell Him that I trust Him but I don't really think He has great decision making ideas
Yes I'm quite incredulous I suppose
but mostly when I talk to God I'm honest...
quick note: there was a time when I couldn't be 100% honest with God because.....well I was nervous He didn't approve. One day I realized if I believe He made me the way I am, then He has to know all the crazy stuff I do and don't bother to share with Him.
So yes I'm Christian but I'd rather not claim YOUR set because it rather embarrasses me honestly.

For My Ladies Who Smile

My Greatness Can't be Duplicated

I can't duplicate this greatness you're anticipating
you're looking at me with those eyes
those eyes of expectancy
waiting for yet another masterpiece
and honestly
I don't know where the first one came from
thus I can not produce a second

If I must add this greatness is just so great

In all sincerity I didn't know that I was so important
I had no idea you were watching
and waiting
I was only focused on being a better me
focused on forward motion
So I completely missed you back there picking up my droppings
I was so transformed..maybe consumed is a better word
I was so consumed with my transformation that I didn't realize it was prompting your transformation
So here I sit in my window, drinking my Wawa coffee
with you watching me
waiting on my next move of greatness
and honestly
I'm just living...welcome to the journey

For my ladies who smile

She told me no

After months of deliberation I walked in

I scheduled my appointment with much uneasiness

I called and asked the lady for what I needed with tears in my eyes my heart in my throat

After talking about it like it would never actually happen

I was here

I was doing the one thing I never really committed to

but it never made sense

there weren't enough resources

there wasn't enough preparation

But here I was anyway

I walked into the factory

if those walls could talk I don't think I could handle the muffled screams

the scores of people who'd come through here

some by choice

others by force

and here I was

Quietly, angrily I sat in the seat

watched some mindless information session which was supposed to help me

inform me

of what-the thoughts I'd already had

the choices I'd already explored

the options I knew would never work

But here I was

again

back to go through with this

mind not fully steeled for what I was about to do

and in this factory there were stations

stations for set up

stations for afterwards

there were the in between mandatory stations

which made no sense since we'd all committed ourselves anyway

the faces of the people here sunken in

I sat waiting almost like I was waiting for my number like everyone else around me

for although the choice was already made because they too were here

no one really wanted to be here

"So why are you here today" she asked me

this pimple faced girl who was barely out of puberty asked me

She asked me why was I here

I looked around the walls wondering how many times she'd asked this question

I wondered who told her the truth

doubting anyone really gave up the ghost

but here I was anyway

I told her

heart in my throat, teeth clenched

I'm here because....

at first the words caught in my throat

Why was I here

I wasn't here because I really wanted to be

I knew my options

I knew there was light at the end of the tunnell

but here I was

sitting in this college kids office discussing my personal affairs in this factory

I'm here to have an abortion I finally stammered out

there

I'd said it and I was here so I suppose I was commited

but in my heart of hearts I was somewhere else

"Are you sure this is what you really want to do?" she asked

Who the fuck really WANTS to have an abortion?

and my filter flew across the room

I actually said exactly what I was thinking

shocked she straightened her clothes and looked me dead in the eye

"Well ma'am if you're not fully committed, there are other options"

What other options are there-matter of factly

What other options are there for me

There are no other options for me ma'am

I'm not going to become a welfare mom leeching off the millions of folks who stingily pay into the system

I'm not giving my baby up for adoption

I can't find a job

My baby daddy doesn't have a job

and I refuse to be a burden on my family

So here I am

in this factory

ready to abort my baby because there were no other options for me

Here I am in this factory trying to explain to my baby that I was so sorry but I just couldn't take it home

like I was talking about the lonely dog in the window

explaining there was no place for it right now

there wasn't enough to go 'round so I had to leave it here

in these walls

in this factory

I held myself to the chair

knowing if I even lifted a hair I was out of this factory

me & my baby would figure this out

but here I was

in this factory

And after checking with her superviser and the head nurse and everyone else in the factory

She told me no

I could not have an abortion because I wasn't fully committed to it

she told me that plenty of women (I wondered how many) were 100% committed to killing their child

and I told her for my hard earned hustled up $425 I wasn't about to tell her any lies

just give me my abortion & let me go on with my miserable life

She told me no

emphatically no

unequivlilantly no

Final

NO

and with that I walked out of the factory

elated actually because my baby would live to see another day

at least until I figured this thing out

because in that moment I decided to keep my baby

For my ladies who smile

Misery Is Me

I don’t deserve happiness
I don’t deserve peace
I don’t deserve anything good

Look at me
See me
Me
You see this???This pathetic excuse of a person
Yea that’s me
I deserve to only be miserable
My whole life I’ve been handed everything on a silver platter damn near
My whole life I’ve never really had to worry about anything because I’ve always had resources and support
So this right here
Yea I don’t deserve to feel this
This feeling that I just want to be happy…that shit only happens on the radio…only MJB can sing about that
Honestly have you heard her story…*SHE* deserves to be happy
Her life wasn’t no crystal stair

But me
Me
I don’t deserve this
I deserve to be miserable because my life’s been too good
And I haven’t appreciated it
I’ve misused and abused my life
My decision-making abilities are obviously horrible because look at where I am
I had the chance to have it all
But nope
I wanted it my way….*insert Usher NOW*
I wanted to show yall that I know more than you
And now I’m paying dearly
The path I’ve chosen was so clearly wrong
So I deserve to be right here
In misery land
With grayness and emptiness
I deserve to have Depression & Loneliness as travel companions
Because when I should have gone right I went left

So again let me please reiterate
I don’t deserve happiness
I don’t deserve peace
I don’t deserve anything good


Look at you
You who thinks you can’t feel how you feel
Why can’t you feel that way?
Why can’t you feel pain?
Is it because to feel the pain means to FEEELLL the pain?
Feel the pain babygirl
Go ‘head
Feel that pain
Feel that shame
Feel that guilt

Look at you
You who thinks you can’t be more than what you are
Why do you think this is it?
You used to reach for the stars but now the stars are too far for you to reach?Or are they too bright for you to shine?

There
Is
Nothing
Wrong
With
You

There say it out loud…in fact I want you to go to your nearest balcony, stand out that muthafucka and scream this shit loud as you can
There
Is
Nothing
Wrong
With me

I’m normal.
Period
Period
Wait
I’m normal
I can’t be normal
Have you seen my life
Do you know my story
Cause I am not normal

Yes you are
Nope I deserve misery until further notice
I think

For my ladies who smile

Missing Person

Have you seen me?
I’m about 5’5 (and ¾)
I have brown hair, hazel eyes
I’m *cough* 150-200 lbs roughly
I’m really cute
If you see me please call 215-555-1212

See I lost myself
But I don’t quite know where
I think it was between boyfriend number 150 and boyfriend number 300
Or maybe it was between lady 180 and lady 600
I’m not sure
I know what I look like….well I know what I *looked* like
I know that I used to be a really nice person
I was a bit rough around the edges
I didn’t have a filter between my brain and my mouth but I was honest *don’t give me side eye either*
You never had to guess with me
I was self confident
I knew where I was, where I wanted to go and what path I needed to take to get there

Again I’m look for me
Have you seen me
Excuse me sir, have you seen a girl named Charisse…no
Excuse me ma’am, have you seen a girl named Charisse..no
I swear I had her with me
She was in my pocket and I kept pulling her out because she was so shiny
She was so awesome and I loved to play with her
Well in secret
I couldn’t play with her totally because she was so confident I was afraid she might overpower people
So I tucked her away
I didn’t want to lose her
She was really important to me ma’am
Can you please help me find her

Have you seen me?
I’m about 5’5 (and ¾)
I have brown hair, hazel eyes
I’m *cough* 150-200 lbs roughly
I’m really cute
If you see me please call 215-555-1212

For my ladies who smile

Love Hate

I love you

But I hate you

I want to be here

But I want to leave



What do I do

How do I tell you what I want

Will you even listen to me

Do you even see me

Do you even know me



I love you

So much

I’ve given you all

All

I’ve given you all

All of me

I’ve given you more in me than I think I have even given me

You didn’t have to ask me

You didn’t even have to think hard about it

I just gave it to you

Gave it to you because I love you

So much



I hate you

I wish you’d die

I hate everything about you

Hate the way you look

Hate the way you breathe

I hate the way you chew

I hate the way you blink

I hate that you cheat

I hate that you lie

I hate that you don’t love me the way I love you

I hate that you don’t even regard me the way I regard you



I want to leave you

Want to flee you

I want to lay in your arms forever

I find so much solace in your arms

In your arms I’m at home



See staying here is easier because I can be in misery with you

I can bask in this hate and look at you longingly

I can dream up ways to kill you…like if I smother you with this pillow will they know I killed you

While I lay in your arms I can gaze at you sleeping so peacefully

I can feel the love emit from you

And I can ponder ways to leave, to escape you



I love you

But I hate you

I want to be here

But I want to leave

For my ladies who smile

I once had a friend


I once had a friend

She was the best friend I could have ever asked for

She was there for me when I wasn’t there

She showed me how to be a better person

I once had a friend

A friend I didn’t know how to be a friend to

She was so strong

She walked with swagger in her step

Spoke with such certainty

I once had a friend

And I wanted to secretly be just like her

I envied her

She was so on top of her game

Nothing held her down

Nothing stopped her from forging ahead

Meanwhile my friend was excelling in all life’s challenges

She lost her mother and you would never know she felt pain

I once had a friend

She commanded attention and respect

She could hold men’s eye with her intelligence

She never belittled herself

She was unforgivingly her

I once had a friend

I didn’t know how to be her friend

I didn’t know how to be strong like her

I was so enamored by her strength to me she wasn’t human

She didn’t feel pain

She was like a superhero

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

I didn’t have her strength

I didn’t have her swagger

I didn’t have her independence

I wasn’t anything like her

And I lost my friend because I couldn’t be me

Didn’t think she would really like me for me

I was such a weakling

I was pathetic

I was nothing like her

I didn’t even belong in her league

I don’t know how we became friends because I was never on her level

I once had a friend

She showed me all the things I hated about myself

She embodied everything I wasn’t and would never be

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

And every night I mourn the loss of my friend

Now I’m stronger and wiser and I more self assured

Now I know me more intimately

And honestly I like me when I look in the mirror

Now I walk with the swagger

Now I commend attention when I enter the room because I love me

And it’s not every day that I love me

Some days I don’t even know me

But I embrace that

I embrace me

And I wish I still had that friend to show her that growth

To share with her the progress I’ve made

To show her the new me & revel in the road I’ve traveled to get here

But alas

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

And she will never listen to me

My pleas fall on deaf ears

I disgusted her, left her and wasn’t a friend to her

So she’ll never know just how much she meant to me

She’ll never listen to how much….she’ll just never know

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

For my ladies who smile

Just because you see me smile:

Just because you see me smile doesn't mean inside I'm not dying

Just because I offer you words of encouragement & recite Scripture doesn't mean I'm not cursing God behind closed doors

See I wear this mask because I have a standard to uphold.

Folks expect me to be this person and I've surpressed me for so long that it's second nature for me to put her on instead of being me

I've done this so long I don't even know what I look like

I don't know what I like

I don't know me

Just because I attend church every week and embody your vision of a Proverbs 31 woman doesn't mean when I take it all off I'm not just as broken

See inside I avoid mirrors because I know I've withered away..I know the girl in the mirror isn't the girl who hangs around these walls

Just because you see happiness doesn't mean I'm happy

Outside my walls I show the world what the world expects, what the world demands, what makes the world not ask me questions

But inside my walls..there are broken dishes around the house, the clothes are piling up from months of neglect...

Inside my walls I don't have any responsibilities

Inside my walls I don't have these kids I have to stand tall for

Inside I die more & more each day

And each day you don't even have a clue

Each day you see me and think I'm such a great & wonderful person

Each day you see me & think you want to be like me, my life is so wonderful

But inside I wish I could throw it away

Inside these walls I have no desire, no strength, no will...just nothing to live

I’ve told myself I’m not allowed to feel…well…really anything

I’m not allowed to feel self appreciation

Inside I’m not allowed to be selfish

Inside I’m not allowed to put me first

I’ve buried that so deep that I don’t even know it’s there anymore

Inside I’m a broken woman who knows without a shadow of a doubt that all that’s wrong with my inside life is my fault

I know that my decisions keep me here so I have to just live here

Live in misery because what more can I do

I don’t deserve anymore than this so inside I just accept it

Just because you see me smile

You’ve never heard me say how fucked up my life is

You’ve never heard me say how much I wish I could just end it all

Shit I’ve never said I hate me

I’ve never said I love me

Inside I’d rather run than look at me…quite frankly who the fuck am I?

I’ve spent so much time trying to be who you think I should be, who I think others think I should be that I don’t know me…I don’t like me, I don’t love me…

Just because you see me smile doesn’t mean I’m happy.

Just because you see me smile doesn’t mean I have a reason to live

But you never know because all you see is me smile.

Waiting in the hallway

Soooo I'm still waiting to hear back from Radio One if I got the job or not. I'd just like to say I really want my 'new boss' (naming & claiming....prayerfully I'm not jinxing myself) to just pick me. I feel like a kid waiting to be picked for a team....
Honestly, right now I'm just not feeling my job anymore. I know that there are so many people who would love to switch places with me and a few months ago all I was praying for was a job to be bothered with. So it's not that I'm not grateful but more that I'm not fulfilled. I'm not challenged and I'm in a position that doesn't allow me growth or empowerment. I know I previously said the benefit of this job was that I'm the only person that knows how to do what I do and to a degree it is. However, the culture of my job doesn't allow for much change and what little change that occurs seems futile when it only lasts for a short while. I love some of the people I work with but that's not enough. Additionally, I need more money.
I know this is everyone's sentiment, however, I'm not making what I used to make nor anywhere near market standard. I need to move out and on my present salary I just can't see me being able to do that. I know nothing is impossible with God and I'm praying on it...but I also know that it's not just about being able to pay rent but the additional bills like utilities and then my regular bills and spending. Now I'm not a heavy shopper-more because my taste is expensive and my budget is slim than anything else. I'm a closet fashion head who has no idea what I want my 'look' to be. But back to my finances, I'm just not sure how to get everythign to fit on my present salary.
So right now I'm just waiting on the call to get a new job...then of course I realized the only thing I never mentioned during the interview process was salary. I was and am too focused on getting my foot in the door and then want to negotiate salary. But I'm praying that everything will fall properly into place so the job is perfect and the salary is also perfect....HMMMMMM

Agenda's

Hilarious when God re-visits things with me. Recently at a Bible study my pastor taught from Luke 10: 38-42. Pastor dealt with agenda's and how often we push our agendas onto others and magically when they don't comply we're angry.
I'm listening to a friend lament about how her boyfriend isn't doing the things she needs done around the house, how they're not saving money the way she'd like to and a few other normal things and this Bible study instantly came to mind. All I hear is her agenda, how she wants things and her level of expectation. What I don't hear is communication about her agenda with her boyfriend and much mention of us. In all that I hear, honestly I hear myself not too long ago..actually there are times even now I find myself doing the same thing. Until I take a step back & realize is my agenda HIS agenda? Am I pushing my agenda on him? Did I even ASK what was on HIS agenda?
When I take a few moments to take stock of where my intentions lie, I am able to let go. I am able to just BE. Instead of getting angry because my other half isn't meeting my expectations, I ASK him-honey do you know/understand what I need? honey are you able to add this to YOUR agenda? Additionally, when I feel like I'm getting that passive-aggressive "ok" he's an expert at doling out, I ask for clarification. It's amazing how many years, yes YEARS, I spent angry because we weren't on the same page. I was angry because why couldn't he just get like me, think like me and clearly he'd see the error of his ways and the world would be a better place. HA! First of all, that's not what I need in a mate-a yes man; and I didn't fall in love with him because he was just like me.
Now let's take this same concept and apply it to the rest of the folks in our lives. My mother-believes I should have all the money available to pay her back the figure she has come to believe I owe her. Nevermind I've reiterated on numerous occasions what I'm actually able to pay (NOTHING) and what I believe I owe. She doesn't care because that's not on her radar-instead her agenda takes precedence. I realize her anger and frustration with my non compliance has NOTHING to do with me; instead the real culprit is her. Now it's easy for me to get angry and act angry about this issue (which I must add feels like it's consuming my life) but instead I choose to let her be. I recognize our agenda's are different and instead of trying to carry hers and mine, I only have room for my agenda. Although she constantly does things to push my buttons over my non compliance with following her agenda, I just let her walk around. HEHEHE I actually kinda enjoy her getting angrier because I am such a horrible and disobedient child->please remember I am a grown woman but to my mother I will always be a child.
I don't let other folks get under my skin because I can see when they're trying to put their agenda on me. Over the last year I've learned to make myself a priority; understanding as I do that, I will fall out with more people. Not because I'm an obtuse person but more because I'm not doing the dance with them. No longer will I just do what they want, be who they say I should be, say the things they think I should say...NOPE. Now I make sure I'm where I want to be, when I want to be, how I'd like to be. If that's not in line with what you want..then it sucks to be you. I don't have to carry everyone elses crap because who's carrying mine? Who's making sure the things I have listed on my to-do list are being crossed out & accomplished? If I'm not doing it, it's not getting done. Instead of getting angry as I watch my list grow (mostly from adding other people items) and feeling like nothing is getting done; I read over the list again & again. I do this to make sure the items on my list are MY things. If there's anything that's not mine-I take it off. As I remove those items I also let it's rightful owner know-this is NOT my crap & I will NOT be carrying it.
Now I don't get wrapped up in "did they hear me" "do they really understand what I'm saying" or "damn now they're mad again because I'm not doing their stuff" or overall being guilted into completing their tasks. I can only focus on saying what I need to say and moving onto the next thing. I must say focusing on my own agenda has been so liberating. I feel so much lighter because I'm only carrying my own stuff-not that my stuff is easy or hard..but it's just mine. Because I take such ownership of my agenda I can also see when I'm pushing it onto someone else. I've found that separating folks agendas has given me a new ability to LIVE.
So are you pushing your agenda onto someone else? Having any success with that??? If not then take ownership and find release.

Reflection

So this weekend I saw Eat, Pray, Love which I must admit was a wonderful movie. Made me reflect over the last year-going through the fire, losing Blue, losing my mind and then finding me.
I must admit over that period of time I never thought I'd find happiness again. I thought I'd never stop hurting. Alas, I did stop hurting and very surprisingly I am thankful for that pain. Without that pain I couldn't stand confidently where I am now or humbly for that matter. I'm not saying where I am now is all that wonderful but the learning curve is much better than a year ago.
I'm still waiting for a response from Radio One and still of the mindset I want that job...although honestly I kind of thinking about the wonderful cliche "the grass is always greener"
Don't have the answers but promise to remain faithful & steadfast.

Pimps in the Pulpit

So I have been cast in the play Pimps in the Pulpit by Shannon Bellamy. Honestly, at first I was very apprehensive because of all the negative press surrounding the book and the various interviews I've heard. So I was required to read the book which I have to admit I was NOT impressed. However, after meeting Shannon and being able to hear from her mouth more of an account of what happened. I can appreciate her transparency which allowed me to gain more insight because reading the book you are left with so many questions. It was nice for her to allow an open forum at our cast party for folks to ask any question they wanted. While I didn't ask anything, there wasn't a reason since everyone asked the things on my mind.
She has big things she wants to do which are wonderful and I'm hoping things will go smoothly.

So yesterday I let those people talk me into auditioning for Pimps in the Pulpit...today I got head shots done. Honestly I think I SUCKED monkey balls. However, my photographer was kind enough to remind me that I have to settle into how I look on camera and I have to get comfortable. Sp while I couldn't relax fully I was able to just do it although my mind was screaming how stupid I look.
So tomorrow is the first of the wonderful days. I have an interview...I think I mentioned it...with Radio One. Honestly I'm excited more because of how it will help me than how I might help them. I'm so focused on the big picture..my mind is still firing a thousand things in a minute...just praying & waiting...

Ok so just when I want to count God out and really question His abilities...He comes back with the 1, 2 punch POW "How you like me now SUCKA" LOL So yes I'm really hype right now because I saw a Credit & Collections Mgr position with Radio One and was like I would LOVE to work there because it could springboard me into so many different avenues if I work it properly. And then I checked my voicemail which we all know I HATE with a passion, called them back & set up an interview for Friday. I'm so excited you would think I got the job I'm so jittery.................ok gotta actually do some work and pray on this one.

Every time I start writing I get the incredible urge to just keep going...keep purging and keep sharing... and in as much as I want to keep sharing I'm afraid of who's reading...although I know it's no one. I know I'm not really all that important although it would be nice to be important enough for folks to follow my thoughts and want to know more. Alas (I've been dying to insert that btw) I'm JustReesiey.
I was talking to my co worker (the one who I love and hate depending on the moment) and we were talking about relationships. She's been married for 43 years and she said they (her & her husband) still talk about things that attracted them to each other all those years ago and now...odd because I literally just had the same conversation.
See what I mean about writing..I'm literally just rambling on...no real aim or purpose but I need to get all this shit out. Sadly I am trying to get back to not cursing but I figure this is my place to say exactly what I'm thinking and not having to be apologetic about it.
Yes I'm a Christian who loves God and attends church mostly regularly...and yes I curse and yes I backslide...take it or leave it, that's just me...ok done for now

Airplanes

So I know God is listening to me because I feel like He's given me confirmation. However, He has yet to give me an answer. I've asked a few questions which are really regular questions that everyone at this point in their life asks...HOWEVER I've never been here before and honestly I don't know which direction to turn..
Ok I can't say that it's I don't know which direction to turn but more that I don't know which way to walk. So right now I'm sitting here. A few months ago I couldn't even do that successfully, so I consider it progress. But honestly I don't feel like it's enough progress. I want more and want to be more but feel helpless when it comes to putting that plan into action. I'm the type of woman who has to plan out everything, I have to be able to see everything ahead of time because I have to have control. Acknowledging that I am not in control and God is; there are many times that I wonder if He really knows what He's doing. Yea I know that takes real balls to say to God-are YOU sure *with much side eye* but it's real & I'm unapologetic for that.
As of late I've been faced more and more with ladies in my age group having babies...I get it. It's part of the natural succession at this time in my life. But it's everyone else. I can rattle off names of ladies who are expecting or just gave birth but I can't add my name to the list. Now I know that I want a baby but that's it. All I can focus on is wanting a baby....I can't get to the logistics of it right now because my emotions are too involved. My emotions scream that I want to be pregnant and feel the joys of being pregnant. Scream that I want to have a baby. Just have a baby. Now the emotional side of me can only think of the joys of being a mommy. I don't even feel like addressing the logical side right now.
But my emotional self wants a baby so bad that I'm taking pregnancy tests all the time and get really depressed when they say not pregnant. Now the logical side has no idea why the emotional side must do this every month & subject myself to the pain. But the emotional side needs this.
RIght now the emotional side craves a baby in her womb. Yearns to feel a baby..honestly I miss being pregnant and the excitement of growing another human inside me. Right now that's all I can focus on.
But it feels like God is just listening to my rants and saying "uh huh and how do you feel about that??" and that makes me want to give Him the finger, scream F U and run out the room. But since that's not realistic and I know that He does everything properly I have to wait. But honestly this shit sucks major monkey balls.
So right now I'm just wishing...

It's been a long while

So I haven't been blogging...I haven't been writing...I haven't been..well much of anything other than angry and depressed lately. Not so much depressed but more repressed due to living in a house with my mother & grandmother and NO Basim. It's rather pathetic if I think about it too hard that I can't live (locationally) without my fiancee/boyfriend/whateverheistoday...
It will be a year very soon to losing Blue and honestly...I miss being pregnant. that's all I should be doing work but I honestly don't feel like it.

It's Been A While

So I have been neglecting myself lately. Spending too much time in the car going from one place to another and not enough time on me. All my appointments are for my personal betterment but I've been neglecting me-the emotional me, the thoughtful me, the innovative me. I've spent the last few work weeks complaining about my job and how much it irritates me. I've spent the last few weeks wanting more from my businesses and more from my life. But in the last few weeks I've neglected me in the struggle to climb up.
So this morning I have a minute to take some time for me. I was able to actually lay in bed a few minutes longer and think clearly without rushing to get to work, thinking about what I have to do after work etc. I actually had a chance to talk to God and think about some of the things He's laid on my heart.
So I started a new job 2/22/10 which is a blessing and a curse (if you will). A gift because I've been on the couch for almost a year wishing I had a job and some real income.
A curse because no one at my job knows how to perform my functions. But in thinking and talking I realize this is actually an additional blessing. Because no one knows exactly what I do or how to do it, I can make my position whatever I want it to be. I had to realize it's actually pretty awesome to have a job I can mold into what I want it to be and make my earning potential increase based on what I bring to the table. So I was lying in bed this morning thinking about all the changes and implementations I'd like to make to my job and then I decided to listen to an inspirational call for Ardyss....and it made me realize I'm laying in bed thinking about how I can increase someone else but what am I doing to increase myself.
I'm very good at motivating myself to start something. I can picture myself doing great things and what the road looks like getting there. However I'm not really good at staying motivated........I really want to talk more about this but I need to get ready to go to my next appointment.

Old Days

In a relationship it's very hard to get settled into a monotonous rhythm. Day in day out you do the same things. Even the romance side of things become humdrum-making love is routine even.
How do we forget the courting stage of our relationship? Remember the days when your stomach was filled with butterflies at the mere mention of his/her's name? How excited you'd get when they called. Now we're too old for the you hang up no you hang up first business but even as adults we do a similar dance.
The fact is the relationship gets boring. You get easily irritated with everything the other person does-how do you change that?
When you say to your partner "remember when...." why can't you take it back to those days? Why can't you create new things to ensure the romance isn't lost?
How do you do those things? I really don't have the answer but I know that "it" thing is presently missing and I wish I still had that old feeling.

How Long

How long should you wait...for anything? Marriage, great job, upward mobility. I've been asking God for somethings for a while...a great long while and somethings He's answered and other things are still on the waiting list.
I'm not rushing God but sometimes I wonder...how long should I wait? Has God answered me & I missed it?? I keep praying for clarity but sometimes I don't know if I'm the problem..well I know I am the problem but not sure exactly what the problem is.
So how long should I keep waiting????

It's Been A Few Days

So it's been a few days and I have so much on my mind to say but not quite sure where to start.
The first thing is I started working this week. Now I am thankful to have a job but honestly I know it's just a temporary thing. I know I'm there to learn something so I'm opening myself up and allowing myself to be a sponge so I can learn everything I need to learn in preparation for the next position. The job is fine minus the plenty awkward moments. I was actually hired because they had to fire the young lady who had my position. First my boss assured me they haven't had to fire more than 5 employees in their entire existence-thanks for the reassurance but I don't think that was anything I needed to know.....maybe it was considering everyone is laying people off in today's economy...I don't know but I really didn't need to know that. In any event, my boss was very very sad about firing the young lady. So Monday when I started I had to clean out her desk (she left abruptly Friday-after my boss watched her clean out her desk I must add) which is now my desk. While I was cleaning out the desk I found some paperwork pertinent to my functions. Now while I was cleaning out the desk I had no idea what the paperwork was or it's purpose. But I gave them to my co-worker who was totally confused as to why it was in my desk. Now I must add the paperwork was in my desk under some other stuff-looking very suspicious. So my co worker thinks about it for 10 minutes then goes to my boss to give her the paperwork. They don't really say much to me about it but my co worker comes back reporting my boss cried because she felt so bad about firing the previous young lady. Now I work in a counseling facility with a bunch of therapist who are very caring folks. So every time someone comes into my office to speak with my co worker they bypass my desk and head right to her desk to discuss what happened. (The way my office is configured my desk is first and if you come in you've pinned me in a corner if you will) So every day people have come in my office upset about the previous young lady and wanting to discuss the details about what happened. My co worker is an older Southern woman who will tell your business but on her time-so she hasn't given up the ghost but asked everyone to call the young lady directly. This would be fine if I wasn't held hostage in my office with people less then 10 feet from me speaking in hushed tones about what happened causing the previous employee to get fired and how she needs help. Now when I say she needs help I don't mean like they're looking down on her, instead they pity her. They want to help her financially in anyway they can-although she was let go with severance and unemployment along with wonderful references. How many jobs do you know fire you for misconduct and STILL give you severance???? But all my co workers want to help her in any way they can. This is awesome but I really don't want to know about it or discuss it.
So Wednesday, I went to my boss to give her a report and she then asked me about the paperwork I found Monday. So I take her back to my office to show her exactly where I found the paperwork. So I'm sitting at my desk, my boss is on my right and my co worker is on her right and after I show her where I found the paperwork they launch into a lengthy ultra private discussion. My boss is asking my coworker why would the paperwork be in the drawer, should she be concerned that maybe the previous employee....her voice trails off she doesn't say was stealing but she's alluding to it. My coworker is telling my boss she has no idea what to think because why would the paperwork be there. Apparently, the young lady told my boss she put the paperwork there meaning to get back to it....I know this because my boss is telling my coworker while they're standing at my desk. And I'm again held hostage at my desk because they are both standing right next to me...... My boss then turns to me and asks me..ME..the new girl who's only been here for 3 days...if she should be concerned. Here's where I wanted to curse and scream. How the heck am I supposed to know what that girl was thinking and what her true intentions are??? My job is handling cash and checks daily so it is possible the previous young lady was stealing but I really don't know and don't want to speculate. How can I really comment on someone's character that I've never met?? So I look at my boss with the dumb look (the one you give when someone asks you a dumb question) and tell her I am really not comfortable answering this question... She then realizes she shouldn't be asking me and apologizes. But the conversation continues.....OMG My whole week was full of moments like this.
So Wednesday the devils foot soldier was truly hard at work. I gave up cursing for Lent and committed to displaying grace, mercy & acceptance to everyone. I keep saying this because I have to keep reminding myself so I can stay focused. At any rate, most people have issues with their inlaws but I despise mine. Well really it's just my mother in law mostly....well I'm not married so Basims mom. Our relationship has never been a particularly good one and we've even come close to blows. I've always tried to be respectful because that's his mom. I wasn't raised to disrespect my elders or your partners family. So for the last 9 years I've mostly taken abuse from his family in some shape or another. Minus the one time we almost came to fisticuffs, I don't say anything when she maligns me and completely disrespects me. I've complained to my boyfriend and he says something... although it took him several years to intervene but that's another rant I'll get on later maybe.
For the last 9 years when his mother has disrespected me not only have I not said anything my family hasn't gotten involved. However, this week was a different ball game. So Basim posted a status about his Honey Do list and I jokingly commented:
Don't forget to do the following Honey ;)
Make the salad, wash the clothes, pick up the groceries, clean the kitchen and straighten out the living room. All this needs to be done BEFORE you pick me up. Then once you pick me up, take me to work out then we can go to Bible Study. Once that's done the list for today is complete ;) Tomorrow is a new day full of new Honey Can You Do things ;) welcome to the world of a house husband-LOVE YA!
Now every item on the list is something I've done myself while I was out of work. However the point is my comment was a joke and I even spoke with Basim during the course of the day so he knew it was a joke. Now my pastor also commented on his status that we needed to make it to Bible Study regardless of anything else-jokingly. Then Basim's little cousin commented on his status:
@Reese why would u write all that on his Wall? that is not cool...But I don't think I would be able to do all that either...Hope u get that new job cousin,then u can be at work all day and yall can work on these things together...
Now after she read my comment she let her mother read it, who then called his mother to tell her what I'd written. His mother then called me. First I typically NEVER answer when his mother calls me because Lord only knows what shes got to say and it's probably going to piss me off. But this time I didn't answer because I was working at my new job-I don't think it would look too good for me to answer my cell phone on my 3rd day at my new job. So when Basim picked me up I asked him what his mother called me for. Most times his mother calls me when she can't get in touch with him and she's probably spoken with him before I can determine the reason for her call. This time Basim had no idea what her reason was for calling. But I had a voicemail (which I might add I HATE checking my voicemail) so I decided to check my voicemail (begrudgingly of course) on speak phone. OMG the devils foot soldier left me a scathing message telling me she raised an f'g man and not an f'g yes man and she will kick my tail..and a bunch of other curse words I've given up for Lent. This 46 year old woman left me a message cursing me out and calling me a barrel of names because I asked my boyfriend to do some things around the house. Again, the items I listed weren't anything out of the ordinary, they weren't items demeaning or illegal. The items were regular household chores that you SHOULD do anyway to maintain your house.
Now before my blood can really get boiling God intervened..Basim picked up the phone and curse his mother out. Now when I say cursed his mother out I'm not really giving any justice to the tongue lashing he gave her. I will say he demanded she apologize to me-which she asked him to tell me she was sorry and he cursed some more & reminded her she called to curse me out so she should call me to apologize. He also demanded she stopped speaking to me in any old way-that one day someone (I presume me) is going to whip her tail because she doesn't know how to talk to people.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Basim actually came to my rescue and kicked some butt! While I was glad I was still hot-my skin was physically getting hotter by the moment. So instead of overreacting I called my mother (lol yes I called my mommy) and WOW she flipped out. She didn't say much but I knew she was mad.
So I went to work out and for every punch I took I was punching his mother in the face. Every squat I was pooping on his mom's face. It was wonderful! I pushed myself even harder than ever because of the motivation.
When I got home my mother instantly demanded to speak with Basim & I. She proceeded to sit us down & let Basim know in no uncertain terms was his mother to speak to me ever again. (that's the short of it)
Ok this is really long & really personal but I had to get it out...there's some more I need to say but my fingers are tired.

Flowers for the dead

So I just found out one of the most influential teachers I've ever had passed away. While I view death as a good thing my heart is truly rather heavy. Mr. Oglesby was the first teacher who made me think harder. He challenged us on a daily basis. Honestly he is the reason I got even more interested in Black History.
It's weird when you look back on the people who've made an impact on you. You might not always realize their importance but when you do sometimes it's mind blowing.
I can think back to his classes and remember how he used to make fun of some of the youthful trends. I remember how he challenged us to think outside the box. In his class I felt for the first time I was truly happy to be black and even happier to be a woman.
I don't know what else to say other than he really meant a lot to me. And in talking to a lot of girls I went to high school with I know he made a large impact on their lives as well.
RIP William Oglesby you were truly the best educator I've ever known.

Am I A Godly Wife?

People often ask if I'm really engaged. I can't say that I've been officially asked but I can say it's what my boyfriend started. He started introducing me as his fiancee and I don't stop him.
Others ask what are we waiting for in terms of marriage and honestly I'm waiting for him to ask me and be ready. I used to wait anxiously for him to ask me and now I don't. Not because I don't want to marry him but honestly because I already feel like we're married.
People look at our relationship and think it's wonderful. They think our 9 years together is a sign of how much we love each other. In some ways it might be but I'd have to give the glory to God. I can't take any of the credit on why we're still together. Without going into details I'll say we've been through A LOT and even that's an understatement. I've sacrificed a lot and he may feel he's done the same.
Right now I believe God has me with the man I'm to spend the rest of my life with and every day isn't wonderful. Yes we argue-sometimes we walk out on each other but we end up right back with each other.
I can remember years of praying for him to be the man God had for me, asking God to make us evenly yoked. And one day I read a book (can't remember the title) and I realized I had it all wrong. The thing that stood out most was a minister speaking to a Singles Ministry at church. He asked the members if they were all praying for God to send them a mate-YES. Then he asked them if they, themselves, embodied all the Godly characteristics of a mate. And I had to ask myself the same question. I had to put myself in his shoes and see if I actually embodied Proverbs 31. And while I felt I was the best mate I could be and more; I realized I still had some progress.
There are times I get caught up in nagging and wanting him to be something he's not ready for or hasn't been. I realized I get angry because I don't accept him for who he is and where he is. He's not perfect and he's growing but instead of me recognizing that growth I was actually damning him for all that he wasn't and wasn't doing. How is that embodying a Godly wife? It's funny the things God brings us to. We recently spoke with our pastor who challenged us to display grace to one another.
You might think it's an easy task but truthfully it isn't. It means even though he hasn't cleaned the kitchen to my personal satisfaction I have to appreciate he put the dishes in the dishwasher. Even though Valentine's Day wasn't ultra romantic I had to appreciate the effort he put into planning it. Part of my showing him grace is also about me showing him mercy & acceptance just as God does for me.
So in this Lenten season I've taken up extending that same grace, mercy & acceptance to all I encounter. It's no easy task for a person who has pre-conceived notions about people. But it's something I'm praying about constantly because I want to be a Godly wife. I look at the biblical definition of love and realize there are somethings I still have to work on. So I'm working it.....but when he asks me I'll be ready
That's all

God is AWESOME

So I've been uber productive last night and this morning. I actually called unemployment and I have to add I HATE calling them. They owe me for so many weeks plus some monies incorrectly debited. Every time I call them I end up on the phone for at least 45 minutes and if I'm lucky I speak with a half way intelligent and helpful person. Today was really no different minus the gentleman not knowing how to correct one of my issues. As does every other representative, he offered to send an email and fill out a form to hopefully expedite my process. So I will continue to pray that I'll eventually see some monies from the state of Pennsylvania (which would help since I'm FLAT broke).
I also made a few other business phone calls. Now this may seem small to some but I HATE talking on the phone. I know I know how can a person who loves to talk & can talk your ear off hate talking on the phone. I have no idea why I despise the phone so much but given the chance I'd rather text or email.
I also GOT A JOB! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I'm happy to have a job although I would prefer a higher salary. But the great things I have 100% company paid benefits (AWESOME), 4 weeks vacation time (even more AWESOME), and 15 sick/personal time. And I start Monday (DID I SAY YAY?!?!?!?)
I was supposed to work out today but my trainer enjoyed herself last night at Lou's & Chew's lol. So I'm supposed to work out on my own.....this should be interesting because quite frankly I don't feel like it. I have cramps (sorry for the TMI but this is my blog after all). I haven't had cramps in so long well I haven't really menstruated in a while (DEPO,then Blue, then Yaz) so it's NOT a fun experience. But somehow I'll make myself get in at least 20 minutes.
I'm also wondering how I'm going to do the Daniel's Fast for Lent. I honestly can't fast not just because I'm greedy (HEHE) but also because it goes against my weight loss battle. Now the Daniel's Fast would be easier if we hadn't just filled our fridge. So we're trying to take the next few days and eat up everything so we can refill the fridge with Fast friendly items.
I'm also really trying my best to watch my mouth and display grace & mercy. No easy task because it seems like when you're trying not to do something EVERYTHING is coming towards you.
Ok that's all I have for now......

Another day

Where do I start....well I had a conversation with a friend the other day about Lent and the preparations for Lent. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to sacrifice for Lent. I would like to quit smoking but realistically that might not be a good option because I want to succeed. So that's out. Ok so I've also been having quite the potty mouth lately-so I choose to stop cursing. Ultimately, God said I needed to sacrifice myself. Now what exactly does that mean? I am under the impression God is giving me the gift of sight but not sure what that entails and what all it means. So I've been praying on it to confirm if it's me or God. But last night at service He confirmed that I was to sacrifice myself.
So that's my sacrifice and way to keep my faith. I still don't know what all it means but I do know each day I am determined to give my all to Him. I pray for His mercies knowing that I will probably not be all I should or could be but I know He forgives me.
Ok so I had an interview yesterday too if you read yesterday's blog and I wasn't sure how I felt about potentially rejoining the workforce. Well part of my conversation with my friend Tuesday night she mentioned how I had an interview on the first day of Lent and how God was moving. Truer words never spoken. Not only did I have an interview yesterday BUT I also received a follow up email for a position I applied to. The reason I'm sharing is because God is moving and I'm trying to be in tune with Him. I saw the position on indeed.com and tried to apply. I set up my profile, attached my resume but when it came time to add my work experience to the application I had issues. So I finally just walked away from it-this was Tuesday. Wednesday morning I guess, I received an email from the company asking me to complete my application if I wanted to be considered for the position-in my mind I was thinking ummm didn't I already do that?!?!? But obviously I hadn't done something completely. So I went back to the site and once again tried to enter my work experience, even going so far as to add my education experience. But again I could not enter my work experience. Totally frustrated I threw my mental hands up & said well I've attached my resume if you really want me you'll open the attachment I guess. WOW I can't believe from my lips to God's ears. Later that afternoon I received an email from the company asking to set up a phone interview next week. I don't know what God has planned for me but I'm walking in His will.
So I also worked on my battle with weight loss. An uphill battle I must admit. I tried to eat every 3 hours but honestly it sucks monkey balls. I'm not even hungry every 3 hours. Some days I don't eat but once and it's totally by mistake. But I worked out with Barb & took my love with me. She kicked my butt but only for an hour. And advised I didn't need to work out daily. Honestly, she makes me want to work out every day. I'll try to adhere to her words of wisdom but I can't guarantee it.
So I'm also trying to incorporate the Daniel's Fast into my daily diet. No easy task considering we just filled our fridge with tons of food that need to be cooked. So I'l try to knock those items out and then really kick the Fast into high gear.....hmmm I think that's all for now.

It's funny how long I've been out of work. Funny because I'd never imagine I'd be without a job and actually be ok with that. I've been working since I was 15 years old-not just out of necessity but also because I love money and my own independence. I've been out of work over a year and possibly faced with having a job again I don't know how I feel about it. I've been asking God for guidance because I'm tired of depending on others so I can pay my bills and enjoy what little bit of life I have (with no income) and I had an interview today.
The interview went well and they've already started calling my references. So now I'm feeling a little anxious-I asked God for something and now He might be giving it to me but the real question is am I ready? I've committed to following God wherever He shall lead me even when it didn't make immediate sense so I'm listening and acting in His will. But I have to admit it's a lil' strange.
I wonder how I'll be able to juggle working, running my businesses, working out & maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I know it's possible but it's been quite a while since I've done it.
Oh well I'm going to follow Him where He leads me and stop worrying.

Taking a page from a friend

So I'm going to try and chronicle my struggle to change my lifestyle. I've been working out with Barbara Newton-Gleaton for the last month and whew it's hard work. My goal is to lose 60 lbs...I wanted to lose it by my birthday (3/15) but that's unrealistic. So right now I'm trying to work up the energy to force myself to work out with Jackie via On Demand.
You might look at me and try to understand why I want to lose so much weight but let's just say I'm not as thin as people think. I like to eat-so much so that I'll blow a paycheck eating where, when & what I want instead of paying bills...well if I could but you get the picture. At any rate, I've been wanting to lose weight for a while..years in fact...and I've done lots of stupid crap. I used to belong to LA Fitness but my checkbook was the only thing working out. I pseudo did Weight Watchers and I think I lost weight-I know I lost inches but the scale didn't register any pounds being shed. A few months ago I joined Lucille Roberts and I liked the classes but I would only go with a friend. So when she stopped going needless to say I stopped going.
Working out with Barb however has proven to be different. She's super duper supportive and motivational. I swear she's lying to me because every week she tells me how good I'm going. I see the results (in my legs mostly) but I don't enjoy feeling. But I will say what I enjoy most about working with Barb is she gives me exercises I can do on my own. So I do small things (some cliche) like take the 27 steps to the sanctuary in my church (not an easy task as there are no landings), if I drop something I do squats to pick them up, clean the house wearing weights etc. You might think those things are insignificant but they've helped. Now I don't have a scale so I have no idea really if I've lost pounds (I don't like scales they make me feel fat) but I can say my clothes feel different and my mother says I look different.
Whatever the case I'm trying. My nutrition is already in the right place now I just have to force myself to eat more often and watch my portion control. I HATE portion control. I mean really why can't I eat what I want until I don't want to eat.....alas it's no way to really lose weight but it's a good objection. But I might have to incorporate Weight Watchers with this because it helped me. But if you've been out to eat recently you also notice they've posted the amount of calories in each meal. Want to really feel fat-order the only meal on the menu with the most calories UGH.
So I'm going to get off the couch & have Jackie with her stupid perfect body tell me what to do and breath while I do it. Then tomorrow I'll go have Barb kick my ass some more and she'll tell me how she shed more pounds....she'll tell me she just had a baby & to get over it LMAO....I HATE that woman-really I do. She's so cheerful while making me do all these things that make my body hurt.
Ok ok I'm not providing any inspiration to those who might want to lose weight. But I know I want to be healthy and I'm determined to get there. SO I'll drink my Gatorade with Thermogen & POwerboost and work some fat off....
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Missing Pieces

Every time I watch Grey's Anatomy I find inspiration...YUCK but it's true:
I'm angry because I gave you valuable pieces of myself
pieces I can never recover
I'm madder at myself
mad for allowing myself to so easily give you those valuable pieces of me
I can NEVER regain those pieces
just watched them wash down the drain
And as I'm finding myself more & more
I've promised to NEVER give any part of me away again!
not freely, easily or at all!
I need all of me to be whole
and with those missing pieces
I feel incomplete
I can feel something is missing
and I wish I could figure out exactly what's missing
wish I could figure out how to get those pieces back
That which I sacrificed I'm not 100% sold that it was even worth it
not sure you deserved them or I deserved to lose them
And it's killing me because I want them back!
I want to be whole again
I want ALL my missing pieces.
There's been a catastrophe and no one cared
no one asked any questions
I just
let it happen
I let me go & I have NO idea why
I don't know why I loved you so much I gave you MY pieces
I don't know how to get what I lost back
because I still don't know what all I lost
I just know something is missing
major things are missing
It saddens me
hurts to the core
I'm missing
There's no road map to get back
no idea how to regain those pieces
I just know I want them back
more than I want babies...
Where did she go?
Why did she go?
How do I get those pieces back??????

Baby (insert your own) Drama

Can someone help me better understand the definition of co-parenting? There seems to be a rampant issue with folks not understanding their roles.
I've heard one too many stories of baby mama/daddy drama. My whole understanding is the two of you like each other at some point (even if it was under false pretenses), had sex & VIOLA! nine months later a child is born. Somewhere after conception someone made the decision to have and keep the child. So yall (YES YALL) committed to being in each others lives forever.
FOEVA, FOREVA FOR EVA EVA....YES! You committed to having a lifetime of interaction with another person because of another persons life. Sounds simple in my mind. I mean the decision was made to raise this child in the best of your (YES YALL) ability. There wasn't a contingency clause-if this, then that..not that but this-in the whole agreement. But somewhere the lines got mixed & signals crossed. Now it's two parents out of sync-damn.
Initially (in some cases)things started off just fine. Yall (YES YALL) wanted to be together for whatever reasons-love, convenience, semblance of a family etc; and things went along well. Then BOOM! Out of no where **blank stare** the relationship deteriorates and yall (YES YALL) went from the Huxtables to Mike Tyson & Buster Douglas seemingly overnight.
Now this transition is always the most interesting to me. You had a relationship with each other-like/loved each other & like lightning flash the other person "aint shit". All of a sudden **blank stare** the way they blink pisses you off. You don't want to share the same zip code let alone same room/house. You go from two parents trying to do what's best for your family to using your child/ren as cattle to barter.
The first confusing part is how did the other person suddenly become the devil. No matter how long you dated, the person now is never the person you started with???? **blank stare** People will always show you who they really are and it's up to you to believe them. So that guy isn't newly cheap-he's always been cheap! But you said "awww he's saving us money" I mean honestly everything you know now, you knew over the course of the relationship. So what did yall (YES YALL) miss? I understand and somewhat embrace the idea of dating a person's potential and dating their representative but again who they are at their core has shown through.
The other majorly confusing part is how the parenting relationship is mostly thrown out the window. I was under the impression parents want a better life for their children than they had themselves. That translates in my mind to-you came from a single parent home with an absent parent thus you want the other parent to play an integral part in your childs life.
(I'll have to keep working cause I can't get my thoughts out correctly....)

My Random Thoughts

There are so many things crossing my mind right now. So many topics I'd love to discuss...but every time I try to put them down I don't like something I've written or I'm sure there's a better way I could make my point. But I'm a writer at heart so I'm trying to be honest with myself and my passion.....in time everything will flow easily but until that point I may have a bunch of half written works.....enjoy