After months of deliberation I walked in
I scheduled my appointment with much uneasiness
I called and asked the lady for what I needed with tears in my eyes my heart in my throat
After talking about it like it would never actually happen
I was here
I was doing the one thing I never really committed to
but it never made sense
there weren't enough resources
there wasn't enough preparation
But here I was anyway
I walked into the factory
if those walls could talk I don't think I could handle the muffled screams
the scores of people who'd come through here
some by choice
others by force
and here I was
Quietly, angrily I sat in the seat
watched some mindless information session which was supposed to help me
inform me
of what-the thoughts I'd already had
the choices I'd already explored
the options I knew would never work
But here I was
again
back to go through with this
mind not fully steeled for what I was about to do
and in this factory there were stations
stations for set up
stations for afterwards
there were the in between mandatory stations
which made no sense since we'd all committed ourselves anyway
the faces of the people here sunken in
I sat waiting almost like I was waiting for my number like everyone else around me
for although the choice was already made because they too were here
no one really wanted to be here
"So why are you here today" she asked me
this pimple faced girl who was barely out of puberty asked me
She asked me why was I here
I looked around the walls wondering how many times she'd asked this question
I wondered who told her the truth
doubting anyone really gave up the ghost
but here I was anyway
I told her
heart in my throat, teeth clenched
I'm here because....
at first the words caught in my throat
Why was I here
I wasn't here because I really wanted to be
I knew my options
I knew there was light at the end of the tunnell
but here I was
sitting in this college kids office discussing my personal affairs in this factory
I'm here to have an abortion I finally stammered out
there
I'd said it and I was here so I suppose I was commited
but in my heart of hearts I was somewhere else
"Are you sure this is what you really want to do?" she asked
Who the fuck really WANTS to have an abortion?
and my filter flew across the room
I actually said exactly what I was thinking
shocked she straightened her clothes and looked me dead in the eye
"Well ma'am if you're not fully committed, there are other options"
What other options are there-matter of factly
What other options are there for me
There are no other options for me ma'am
I'm not going to become a welfare mom leeching off the millions of folks who stingily pay into the system
I'm not giving my baby up for adoption
I can't find a job
My baby daddy doesn't have a job
and I refuse to be a burden on my family
So here I am
in this factory
ready to abort my baby because there were no other options for me
Here I am in this factory trying to explain to my baby that I was so sorry but I just couldn't take it home
like I was talking about the lonely dog in the window
explaining there was no place for it right now
there wasn't enough to go 'round so I had to leave it here
in these walls
in this factory
I held myself to the chair
knowing if I even lifted a hair I was out of this factory
me & my baby would figure this out
but here I was
in this factory
And after checking with her superviser and the head nurse and everyone else in the factory
She told me no
I could not have an abortion because I wasn't fully committed to it
she told me that plenty of women (I wondered how many) were 100% committed to killing their child
and I told her for my hard earned hustled up $425 I wasn't about to tell her any lies
just give me my abortion & let me go on with my miserable life
She told me no
emphatically no
unequivlilantly no
Final
NO
and with that I walked out of the factory
elated actually because my baby would live to see another day
at least until I figured this thing out
because in that moment I decided to keep my baby
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