For my ladies who smile

Just because you see me smile:

Just because you see me smile doesn't mean inside I'm not dying

Just because I offer you words of encouragement & recite Scripture doesn't mean I'm not cursing God behind closed doors

See I wear this mask because I have a standard to uphold.

Folks expect me to be this person and I've surpressed me for so long that it's second nature for me to put her on instead of being me

I've done this so long I don't even know what I look like

I don't know what I like

I don't know me

Just because I attend church every week and embody your vision of a Proverbs 31 woman doesn't mean when I take it all off I'm not just as broken

See inside I avoid mirrors because I know I've withered away..I know the girl in the mirror isn't the girl who hangs around these walls

Just because you see happiness doesn't mean I'm happy

Outside my walls I show the world what the world expects, what the world demands, what makes the world not ask me questions

But inside my walls..there are broken dishes around the house, the clothes are piling up from months of neglect...

Inside my walls I don't have any responsibilities

Inside my walls I don't have these kids I have to stand tall for

Inside I die more & more each day

And each day you don't even have a clue

Each day you see me and think I'm such a great & wonderful person

Each day you see me & think you want to be like me, my life is so wonderful

But inside I wish I could throw it away

Inside these walls I have no desire, no strength, no will...just nothing to live

I’ve told myself I’m not allowed to feel…well…really anything

I’m not allowed to feel self appreciation

Inside I’m not allowed to be selfish

Inside I’m not allowed to put me first

I’ve buried that so deep that I don’t even know it’s there anymore

Inside I’m a broken woman who knows without a shadow of a doubt that all that’s wrong with my inside life is my fault

I know that my decisions keep me here so I have to just live here

Live in misery because what more can I do

I don’t deserve anymore than this so inside I just accept it

Just because you see me smile

You’ve never heard me say how fucked up my life is

You’ve never heard me say how much I wish I could just end it all

Shit I’ve never said I hate me

I’ve never said I love me

Inside I’d rather run than look at me…quite frankly who the fuck am I?

I’ve spent so much time trying to be who you think I should be, who I think others think I should be that I don’t know me…I don’t like me, I don’t love me…

Just because you see me smile doesn’t mean I’m happy.

Just because you see me smile doesn’t mean I have a reason to live

But you never know because all you see is me smile.