Ain't I American

Ain't I American or does my skin tone make me different
Ain't my money green or does my skin tone spend differently
It's been 5 years and I still don't matter
Back then you left me on roof tops with water rising over my head
Back then you sent the troops with their guns ablaze ready to kill me while trying to get food out of the store
Back then I sat in the Super Dome for days waiting for someone to help us
But I must not be American because I don't look like you
My money must not spend because I still can't get any help nor justice
Ain't I American or does my skin tone make me different
Ain't my money green or does my skin tone spend differently
You sent my family miles away with a one way ticket, no money and no directions
I had no phone number, no email, no pigeon, no cup to find my folks
Those left you put us in trailers
forgetting I OWNED my property
The deed on that house belonged to me free & clear
But I must not be American because you never even cared
You set me up in a double wide like I should be proud
So in that trailer I sat, day by day getting sicker
Only to tell me as an afterthought oh by the way your trailer has formaldehyde because it was made with shoddy materials by folks who didn't care I was forced to raise my family here
Ain't I American?
I must not be because I didn't have the proper insurance to cover a flood let alone the worst natural disaster in American history
that must not be important because my skin tone was wrong
When they had bush fires in California Tide showed up to help those folks wash their clothes
Yet because my house ain't worth $500,000 no one came to my rescue
While I watched bodies of my neighbors float by no one came to my rescue
And now I sit wondering if I'm American
now I sit losing my mind and there's no help for me
Now all the minor resources I had before the storm are no longer available to me
See because Katrina was really yo bottom bitch
She wiped me away, evicted me without you having to get your hands dirty
So now you can take my land and say it's imminent domain.
Now you can take my land and put a casino and whatever else you deem appropriate
So I must not be American and my money not be green
cause 5 years later I'm no better than when the water was over my head
Now I just can't see the water, can't feel the debris against my feet
Now all the swimming I do is in my head
Just trying to survive second to second minute to minute
But I'm not American and my money must not be green because I'm still waiting for someone to come rescue me from this roof top, the Super Dome, the bridge....I'm still there you don't see me??

It's days like this I miss having friends. Not that I don't have associates but no real friends. It's Friday night and there is not one person I can think of calling to see what's going on for the night. The people who I used to surround myself with, gone...for one reason or another ultimately our season is over.
So here I sit, throwing my own pity party...

Eat Pray Love the Book

So I finally finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. I must share it was the best book I think I've ever read. I say finally because it took me some time to digest simply because of the present self reflection period I'm in. There were times I had to put the book down and just think. I had to look back on the last year and think about so many things. Some days that would happen in just 1 page of reading and I must admit I'm a bit of a book worm. I LOVE to read, I inhale books. So anytime it takes me more than a few hours to read a book for pleasure there's something to be said (negative or positive).
However, I have to admit I saw the movie before I read the book which is abnormal for me. While there are some variations from the book (and some of them major), I think the movie is a cohesive compilation of the book. The casting directors choice of Richard, for example, spot on. I actually think seeing the movie first allowed me to hear Julia Roberts narration of the book which allowed me to enjoy it a tidbit more.
But back to the book.
The reason this book appeals to a massive amount of women (it's a true chickflick so I don't know of any men who saw the movie or read the book) is because we're always in a state of reflection. We're always looking for the green light to enjoy life, to speak our peace, overall to do something. Every woman in the world is waiting for someone to give them the go ahead to live the life they dream of, to feel all the feelings they have, to think the thoughts coursing through their brains a million miles a minute. Admittedly, this book allows you to do just that. Not only does this book give women the power they think only happens in the movies, it also allows them to live vicariously through the author. While reading the book, there were many instances I found myself laughing out loud, very loud, because I can vividly imagine that scene occurring in real life. There were times I found myself crying because I too have been in the authors shoes.
After reading this book (and seeing the movie) my outlook on life has dramatically shifted. Not because I received a new message but simply because God has given me further confirmation to my mothers earlier advice "It's time to LIVE" And so I shall thanks to the last nail off the coffin Eat Pray Love.

What Set I Rep

My religion is always in question. Who I worship is a question that sounds more like "Who's side are YOU on" to my ears. I'm Christian. BUT. Before you whip out your holy music & do a rain dance...I'm not YOUR Christian. I can't quote Bible verses all that well and I don't agree with you mostly.
I don't subscribe to the notion God didn't create gays/homosexuals/lesbians or whatever label/title you'd like to issue this month. I definitely don't believe that God has all sins laid out with numbers underneath signifying which sin is greater than the other, thus garnering Heaven or Hell. So if you're looking for that Christian, I'm sorry I can't help you.
Yes I believe that God is a loving God. Now what a loving God means to me:
He hugs & holds me when needed
He gives me beatings when needed
He listens when needed
And mostly He shakes His head at me
I know every day I wake up God is like "oh boy it's you again huh"
I'm honest with God
I tell Him when I'm angry at Him
I tell Him that I trust Him but I don't really think He has great decision making ideas
Yes I'm quite incredulous I suppose
but mostly when I talk to God I'm honest...
quick note: there was a time when I couldn't be 100% honest with God because.....well I was nervous He didn't approve. One day I realized if I believe He made me the way I am, then He has to know all the crazy stuff I do and don't bother to share with Him.
So yes I'm Christian but I'd rather not claim YOUR set because it rather embarrasses me honestly.

For My Ladies Who Smile

My Greatness Can't be Duplicated

I can't duplicate this greatness you're anticipating
you're looking at me with those eyes
those eyes of expectancy
waiting for yet another masterpiece
and honestly
I don't know where the first one came from
thus I can not produce a second

If I must add this greatness is just so great

In all sincerity I didn't know that I was so important
I had no idea you were watching
and waiting
I was only focused on being a better me
focused on forward motion
So I completely missed you back there picking up my droppings
I was so transformed..maybe consumed is a better word
I was so consumed with my transformation that I didn't realize it was prompting your transformation
So here I sit in my window, drinking my Wawa coffee
with you watching me
waiting on my next move of greatness
and honestly
I'm just living...welcome to the journey

For my ladies who smile

She told me no

After months of deliberation I walked in

I scheduled my appointment with much uneasiness

I called and asked the lady for what I needed with tears in my eyes my heart in my throat

After talking about it like it would never actually happen

I was here

I was doing the one thing I never really committed to

but it never made sense

there weren't enough resources

there wasn't enough preparation

But here I was anyway

I walked into the factory

if those walls could talk I don't think I could handle the muffled screams

the scores of people who'd come through here

some by choice

others by force

and here I was

Quietly, angrily I sat in the seat

watched some mindless information session which was supposed to help me

inform me

of what-the thoughts I'd already had

the choices I'd already explored

the options I knew would never work

But here I was

again

back to go through with this

mind not fully steeled for what I was about to do

and in this factory there were stations

stations for set up

stations for afterwards

there were the in between mandatory stations

which made no sense since we'd all committed ourselves anyway

the faces of the people here sunken in

I sat waiting almost like I was waiting for my number like everyone else around me

for although the choice was already made because they too were here

no one really wanted to be here

"So why are you here today" she asked me

this pimple faced girl who was barely out of puberty asked me

She asked me why was I here

I looked around the walls wondering how many times she'd asked this question

I wondered who told her the truth

doubting anyone really gave up the ghost

but here I was anyway

I told her

heart in my throat, teeth clenched

I'm here because....

at first the words caught in my throat

Why was I here

I wasn't here because I really wanted to be

I knew my options

I knew there was light at the end of the tunnell

but here I was

sitting in this college kids office discussing my personal affairs in this factory

I'm here to have an abortion I finally stammered out

there

I'd said it and I was here so I suppose I was commited

but in my heart of hearts I was somewhere else

"Are you sure this is what you really want to do?" she asked

Who the fuck really WANTS to have an abortion?

and my filter flew across the room

I actually said exactly what I was thinking

shocked she straightened her clothes and looked me dead in the eye

"Well ma'am if you're not fully committed, there are other options"

What other options are there-matter of factly

What other options are there for me

There are no other options for me ma'am

I'm not going to become a welfare mom leeching off the millions of folks who stingily pay into the system

I'm not giving my baby up for adoption

I can't find a job

My baby daddy doesn't have a job

and I refuse to be a burden on my family

So here I am

in this factory

ready to abort my baby because there were no other options for me

Here I am in this factory trying to explain to my baby that I was so sorry but I just couldn't take it home

like I was talking about the lonely dog in the window

explaining there was no place for it right now

there wasn't enough to go 'round so I had to leave it here

in these walls

in this factory

I held myself to the chair

knowing if I even lifted a hair I was out of this factory

me & my baby would figure this out

but here I was

in this factory

And after checking with her superviser and the head nurse and everyone else in the factory

She told me no

I could not have an abortion because I wasn't fully committed to it

she told me that plenty of women (I wondered how many) were 100% committed to killing their child

and I told her for my hard earned hustled up $425 I wasn't about to tell her any lies

just give me my abortion & let me go on with my miserable life

She told me no

emphatically no

unequivlilantly no

Final

NO

and with that I walked out of the factory

elated actually because my baby would live to see another day

at least until I figured this thing out

because in that moment I decided to keep my baby

For my ladies who smile

Misery Is Me

I don’t deserve happiness
I don’t deserve peace
I don’t deserve anything good

Look at me
See me
Me
You see this???This pathetic excuse of a person
Yea that’s me
I deserve to only be miserable
My whole life I’ve been handed everything on a silver platter damn near
My whole life I’ve never really had to worry about anything because I’ve always had resources and support
So this right here
Yea I don’t deserve to feel this
This feeling that I just want to be happy…that shit only happens on the radio…only MJB can sing about that
Honestly have you heard her story…*SHE* deserves to be happy
Her life wasn’t no crystal stair

But me
Me
I don’t deserve this
I deserve to be miserable because my life’s been too good
And I haven’t appreciated it
I’ve misused and abused my life
My decision-making abilities are obviously horrible because look at where I am
I had the chance to have it all
But nope
I wanted it my way….*insert Usher NOW*
I wanted to show yall that I know more than you
And now I’m paying dearly
The path I’ve chosen was so clearly wrong
So I deserve to be right here
In misery land
With grayness and emptiness
I deserve to have Depression & Loneliness as travel companions
Because when I should have gone right I went left

So again let me please reiterate
I don’t deserve happiness
I don’t deserve peace
I don’t deserve anything good


Look at you
You who thinks you can’t feel how you feel
Why can’t you feel that way?
Why can’t you feel pain?
Is it because to feel the pain means to FEEELLL the pain?
Feel the pain babygirl
Go ‘head
Feel that pain
Feel that shame
Feel that guilt

Look at you
You who thinks you can’t be more than what you are
Why do you think this is it?
You used to reach for the stars but now the stars are too far for you to reach?Or are they too bright for you to shine?

There
Is
Nothing
Wrong
With
You

There say it out loud…in fact I want you to go to your nearest balcony, stand out that muthafucka and scream this shit loud as you can
There
Is
Nothing
Wrong
With me

I’m normal.
Period
Period
Wait
I’m normal
I can’t be normal
Have you seen my life
Do you know my story
Cause I am not normal

Yes you are
Nope I deserve misery until further notice
I think

For my ladies who smile

Missing Person

Have you seen me?
I’m about 5’5 (and ¾)
I have brown hair, hazel eyes
I’m *cough* 150-200 lbs roughly
I’m really cute
If you see me please call 215-555-1212

See I lost myself
But I don’t quite know where
I think it was between boyfriend number 150 and boyfriend number 300
Or maybe it was between lady 180 and lady 600
I’m not sure
I know what I look like….well I know what I *looked* like
I know that I used to be a really nice person
I was a bit rough around the edges
I didn’t have a filter between my brain and my mouth but I was honest *don’t give me side eye either*
You never had to guess with me
I was self confident
I knew where I was, where I wanted to go and what path I needed to take to get there

Again I’m look for me
Have you seen me
Excuse me sir, have you seen a girl named Charisse…no
Excuse me ma’am, have you seen a girl named Charisse..no
I swear I had her with me
She was in my pocket and I kept pulling her out because she was so shiny
She was so awesome and I loved to play with her
Well in secret
I couldn’t play with her totally because she was so confident I was afraid she might overpower people
So I tucked her away
I didn’t want to lose her
She was really important to me ma’am
Can you please help me find her

Have you seen me?
I’m about 5’5 (and ¾)
I have brown hair, hazel eyes
I’m *cough* 150-200 lbs roughly
I’m really cute
If you see me please call 215-555-1212

For my ladies who smile

Love Hate

I love you

But I hate you

I want to be here

But I want to leave



What do I do

How do I tell you what I want

Will you even listen to me

Do you even see me

Do you even know me



I love you

So much

I’ve given you all

All

I’ve given you all

All of me

I’ve given you more in me than I think I have even given me

You didn’t have to ask me

You didn’t even have to think hard about it

I just gave it to you

Gave it to you because I love you

So much



I hate you

I wish you’d die

I hate everything about you

Hate the way you look

Hate the way you breathe

I hate the way you chew

I hate the way you blink

I hate that you cheat

I hate that you lie

I hate that you don’t love me the way I love you

I hate that you don’t even regard me the way I regard you



I want to leave you

Want to flee you

I want to lay in your arms forever

I find so much solace in your arms

In your arms I’m at home



See staying here is easier because I can be in misery with you

I can bask in this hate and look at you longingly

I can dream up ways to kill you…like if I smother you with this pillow will they know I killed you

While I lay in your arms I can gaze at you sleeping so peacefully

I can feel the love emit from you

And I can ponder ways to leave, to escape you



I love you

But I hate you

I want to be here

But I want to leave

For my ladies who smile

I once had a friend


I once had a friend

She was the best friend I could have ever asked for

She was there for me when I wasn’t there

She showed me how to be a better person

I once had a friend

A friend I didn’t know how to be a friend to

She was so strong

She walked with swagger in her step

Spoke with such certainty

I once had a friend

And I wanted to secretly be just like her

I envied her

She was so on top of her game

Nothing held her down

Nothing stopped her from forging ahead

Meanwhile my friend was excelling in all life’s challenges

She lost her mother and you would never know she felt pain

I once had a friend

She commanded attention and respect

She could hold men’s eye with her intelligence

She never belittled herself

She was unforgivingly her

I once had a friend

I didn’t know how to be her friend

I didn’t know how to be strong like her

I was so enamored by her strength to me she wasn’t human

She didn’t feel pain

She was like a superhero

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

I didn’t have her strength

I didn’t have her swagger

I didn’t have her independence

I wasn’t anything like her

And I lost my friend because I couldn’t be me

Didn’t think she would really like me for me

I was such a weakling

I was pathetic

I was nothing like her

I didn’t even belong in her league

I don’t know how we became friends because I was never on her level

I once had a friend

She showed me all the things I hated about myself

She embodied everything I wasn’t and would never be

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

And every night I mourn the loss of my friend

Now I’m stronger and wiser and I more self assured

Now I know me more intimately

And honestly I like me when I look in the mirror

Now I walk with the swagger

Now I commend attention when I enter the room because I love me

And it’s not every day that I love me

Some days I don’t even know me

But I embrace that

I embrace me

And I wish I still had that friend to show her that growth

To share with her the progress I’ve made

To show her the new me & revel in the road I’ve traveled to get here

But alas

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

And she will never listen to me

My pleas fall on deaf ears

I disgusted her, left her and wasn’t a friend to her

So she’ll never know just how much she meant to me

She’ll never listen to how much….she’ll just never know

I once had a friend

But we’re not friends anymore

For my ladies who smile

Just because you see me smile:

Just because you see me smile doesn't mean inside I'm not dying

Just because I offer you words of encouragement & recite Scripture doesn't mean I'm not cursing God behind closed doors

See I wear this mask because I have a standard to uphold.

Folks expect me to be this person and I've surpressed me for so long that it's second nature for me to put her on instead of being me

I've done this so long I don't even know what I look like

I don't know what I like

I don't know me

Just because I attend church every week and embody your vision of a Proverbs 31 woman doesn't mean when I take it all off I'm not just as broken

See inside I avoid mirrors because I know I've withered away..I know the girl in the mirror isn't the girl who hangs around these walls

Just because you see happiness doesn't mean I'm happy

Outside my walls I show the world what the world expects, what the world demands, what makes the world not ask me questions

But inside my walls..there are broken dishes around the house, the clothes are piling up from months of neglect...

Inside my walls I don't have any responsibilities

Inside my walls I don't have these kids I have to stand tall for

Inside I die more & more each day

And each day you don't even have a clue

Each day you see me and think I'm such a great & wonderful person

Each day you see me & think you want to be like me, my life is so wonderful

But inside I wish I could throw it away

Inside these walls I have no desire, no strength, no will...just nothing to live

I’ve told myself I’m not allowed to feel…well…really anything

I’m not allowed to feel self appreciation

Inside I’m not allowed to be selfish

Inside I’m not allowed to put me first

I’ve buried that so deep that I don’t even know it’s there anymore

Inside I’m a broken woman who knows without a shadow of a doubt that all that’s wrong with my inside life is my fault

I know that my decisions keep me here so I have to just live here

Live in misery because what more can I do

I don’t deserve anymore than this so inside I just accept it

Just because you see me smile

You’ve never heard me say how fucked up my life is

You’ve never heard me say how much I wish I could just end it all

Shit I’ve never said I hate me

I’ve never said I love me

Inside I’d rather run than look at me…quite frankly who the fuck am I?

I’ve spent so much time trying to be who you think I should be, who I think others think I should be that I don’t know me…I don’t like me, I don’t love me…

Just because you see me smile doesn’t mean I’m happy.

Just because you see me smile doesn’t mean I have a reason to live

But you never know because all you see is me smile.

Waiting in the hallway

Soooo I'm still waiting to hear back from Radio One if I got the job or not. I'd just like to say I really want my 'new boss' (naming & claiming....prayerfully I'm not jinxing myself) to just pick me. I feel like a kid waiting to be picked for a team....
Honestly, right now I'm just not feeling my job anymore. I know that there are so many people who would love to switch places with me and a few months ago all I was praying for was a job to be bothered with. So it's not that I'm not grateful but more that I'm not fulfilled. I'm not challenged and I'm in a position that doesn't allow me growth or empowerment. I know I previously said the benefit of this job was that I'm the only person that knows how to do what I do and to a degree it is. However, the culture of my job doesn't allow for much change and what little change that occurs seems futile when it only lasts for a short while. I love some of the people I work with but that's not enough. Additionally, I need more money.
I know this is everyone's sentiment, however, I'm not making what I used to make nor anywhere near market standard. I need to move out and on my present salary I just can't see me being able to do that. I know nothing is impossible with God and I'm praying on it...but I also know that it's not just about being able to pay rent but the additional bills like utilities and then my regular bills and spending. Now I'm not a heavy shopper-more because my taste is expensive and my budget is slim than anything else. I'm a closet fashion head who has no idea what I want my 'look' to be. But back to my finances, I'm just not sure how to get everythign to fit on my present salary.
So right now I'm just waiting on the call to get a new job...then of course I realized the only thing I never mentioned during the interview process was salary. I was and am too focused on getting my foot in the door and then want to negotiate salary. But I'm praying that everything will fall properly into place so the job is perfect and the salary is also perfect....HMMMMMM

Agenda's

Hilarious when God re-visits things with me. Recently at a Bible study my pastor taught from Luke 10: 38-42. Pastor dealt with agenda's and how often we push our agendas onto others and magically when they don't comply we're angry.
I'm listening to a friend lament about how her boyfriend isn't doing the things she needs done around the house, how they're not saving money the way she'd like to and a few other normal things and this Bible study instantly came to mind. All I hear is her agenda, how she wants things and her level of expectation. What I don't hear is communication about her agenda with her boyfriend and much mention of us. In all that I hear, honestly I hear myself not too long ago..actually there are times even now I find myself doing the same thing. Until I take a step back & realize is my agenda HIS agenda? Am I pushing my agenda on him? Did I even ASK what was on HIS agenda?
When I take a few moments to take stock of where my intentions lie, I am able to let go. I am able to just BE. Instead of getting angry because my other half isn't meeting my expectations, I ASK him-honey do you know/understand what I need? honey are you able to add this to YOUR agenda? Additionally, when I feel like I'm getting that passive-aggressive "ok" he's an expert at doling out, I ask for clarification. It's amazing how many years, yes YEARS, I spent angry because we weren't on the same page. I was angry because why couldn't he just get like me, think like me and clearly he'd see the error of his ways and the world would be a better place. HA! First of all, that's not what I need in a mate-a yes man; and I didn't fall in love with him because he was just like me.
Now let's take this same concept and apply it to the rest of the folks in our lives. My mother-believes I should have all the money available to pay her back the figure she has come to believe I owe her. Nevermind I've reiterated on numerous occasions what I'm actually able to pay (NOTHING) and what I believe I owe. She doesn't care because that's not on her radar-instead her agenda takes precedence. I realize her anger and frustration with my non compliance has NOTHING to do with me; instead the real culprit is her. Now it's easy for me to get angry and act angry about this issue (which I must add feels like it's consuming my life) but instead I choose to let her be. I recognize our agenda's are different and instead of trying to carry hers and mine, I only have room for my agenda. Although she constantly does things to push my buttons over my non compliance with following her agenda, I just let her walk around. HEHEHE I actually kinda enjoy her getting angrier because I am such a horrible and disobedient child->please remember I am a grown woman but to my mother I will always be a child.
I don't let other folks get under my skin because I can see when they're trying to put their agenda on me. Over the last year I've learned to make myself a priority; understanding as I do that, I will fall out with more people. Not because I'm an obtuse person but more because I'm not doing the dance with them. No longer will I just do what they want, be who they say I should be, say the things they think I should say...NOPE. Now I make sure I'm where I want to be, when I want to be, how I'd like to be. If that's not in line with what you want..then it sucks to be you. I don't have to carry everyone elses crap because who's carrying mine? Who's making sure the things I have listed on my to-do list are being crossed out & accomplished? If I'm not doing it, it's not getting done. Instead of getting angry as I watch my list grow (mostly from adding other people items) and feeling like nothing is getting done; I read over the list again & again. I do this to make sure the items on my list are MY things. If there's anything that's not mine-I take it off. As I remove those items I also let it's rightful owner know-this is NOT my crap & I will NOT be carrying it.
Now I don't get wrapped up in "did they hear me" "do they really understand what I'm saying" or "damn now they're mad again because I'm not doing their stuff" or overall being guilted into completing their tasks. I can only focus on saying what I need to say and moving onto the next thing. I must say focusing on my own agenda has been so liberating. I feel so much lighter because I'm only carrying my own stuff-not that my stuff is easy or hard..but it's just mine. Because I take such ownership of my agenda I can also see when I'm pushing it onto someone else. I've found that separating folks agendas has given me a new ability to LIVE.
So are you pushing your agenda onto someone else? Having any success with that??? If not then take ownership and find release.

Reflection

So this weekend I saw Eat, Pray, Love which I must admit was a wonderful movie. Made me reflect over the last year-going through the fire, losing Blue, losing my mind and then finding me.
I must admit over that period of time I never thought I'd find happiness again. I thought I'd never stop hurting. Alas, I did stop hurting and very surprisingly I am thankful for that pain. Without that pain I couldn't stand confidently where I am now or humbly for that matter. I'm not saying where I am now is all that wonderful but the learning curve is much better than a year ago.
I'm still waiting for a response from Radio One and still of the mindset I want that job...although honestly I kind of thinking about the wonderful cliche "the grass is always greener"
Don't have the answers but promise to remain faithful & steadfast.

Pimps in the Pulpit

So I have been cast in the play Pimps in the Pulpit by Shannon Bellamy. Honestly, at first I was very apprehensive because of all the negative press surrounding the book and the various interviews I've heard. So I was required to read the book which I have to admit I was NOT impressed. However, after meeting Shannon and being able to hear from her mouth more of an account of what happened. I can appreciate her transparency which allowed me to gain more insight because reading the book you are left with so many questions. It was nice for her to allow an open forum at our cast party for folks to ask any question they wanted. While I didn't ask anything, there wasn't a reason since everyone asked the things on my mind.
She has big things she wants to do which are wonderful and I'm hoping things will go smoothly.