In a relationship it's very hard to get settled into a monotonous rhythm. Day in day out you do the same things. Even the romance side of things become humdrum-making love is routine even.
How do we forget the courting stage of our relationship? Remember the days when your stomach was filled with butterflies at the mere mention of his/her's name? How excited you'd get when they called. Now we're too old for the you hang up no you hang up first business but even as adults we do a similar dance.
The fact is the relationship gets boring. You get easily irritated with everything the other person does-how do you change that?
When you say to your partner "remember when...." why can't you take it back to those days? Why can't you create new things to ensure the romance isn't lost?
How do you do those things? I really don't have the answer but I know that "it" thing is presently missing and I wish I still had that old feeling.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
How Long
How long should you wait...for anything? Marriage, great job, upward mobility. I've been asking God for somethings for a while...a great long while and somethings He's answered and other things are still on the waiting list.
I'm not rushing God but sometimes I wonder...how long should I wait? Has God answered me & I missed it?? I keep praying for clarity but sometimes I don't know if I'm the problem..well I know I am the problem but not sure exactly what the problem is.
So how long should I keep waiting????
I'm not rushing God but sometimes I wonder...how long should I wait? Has God answered me & I missed it?? I keep praying for clarity but sometimes I don't know if I'm the problem..well I know I am the problem but not sure exactly what the problem is.
So how long should I keep waiting????
Saturday, February 27, 2010
It's Been A Few Days
So it's been a few days and I have so much on my mind to say but not quite sure where to start.
The first thing is I started working this week. Now I am thankful to have a job but honestly I know it's just a temporary thing. I know I'm there to learn something so I'm opening myself up and allowing myself to be a sponge so I can learn everything I need to learn in preparation for the next position. The job is fine minus the plenty awkward moments. I was actually hired because they had to fire the young lady who had my position. First my boss assured me they haven't had to fire more than 5 employees in their entire existence-thanks for the reassurance but I don't think that was anything I needed to know.....maybe it was considering everyone is laying people off in today's economy...I don't know but I really didn't need to know that. In any event, my boss was very very sad about firing the young lady. So Monday when I started I had to clean out her desk (she left abruptly Friday-after my boss watched her clean out her desk I must add) which is now my desk. While I was cleaning out the desk I found some paperwork pertinent to my functions. Now while I was cleaning out the desk I had no idea what the paperwork was or it's purpose. But I gave them to my co-worker who was totally confused as to why it was in my desk. Now I must add the paperwork was in my desk under some other stuff-looking very suspicious. So my co worker thinks about it for 10 minutes then goes to my boss to give her the paperwork. They don't really say much to me about it but my co worker comes back reporting my boss cried because she felt so bad about firing the previous young lady. Now I work in a counseling facility with a bunch of therapist who are very caring folks. So every time someone comes into my office to speak with my co worker they bypass my desk and head right to her desk to discuss what happened. (The way my office is configured my desk is first and if you come in you've pinned me in a corner if you will) So every day people have come in my office upset about the previous young lady and wanting to discuss the details about what happened. My co worker is an older Southern woman who will tell your business but on her time-so she hasn't given up the ghost but asked everyone to call the young lady directly. This would be fine if I wasn't held hostage in my office with people less then 10 feet from me speaking in hushed tones about what happened causing the previous employee to get fired and how she needs help. Now when I say she needs help I don't mean like they're looking down on her, instead they pity her. They want to help her financially in anyway they can-although she was let go with severance and unemployment along with wonderful references. How many jobs do you know fire you for misconduct and STILL give you severance???? But all my co workers want to help her in any way they can. This is awesome but I really don't want to know about it or discuss it.
So Wednesday, I went to my boss to give her a report and she then asked me about the paperwork I found Monday. So I take her back to my office to show her exactly where I found the paperwork. So I'm sitting at my desk, my boss is on my right and my co worker is on her right and after I show her where I found the paperwork they launch into a lengthy ultra private discussion. My boss is asking my coworker why would the paperwork be in the drawer, should she be concerned that maybe the previous employee....her voice trails off she doesn't say was stealing but she's alluding to it. My coworker is telling my boss she has no idea what to think because why would the paperwork be there. Apparently, the young lady told my boss she put the paperwork there meaning to get back to it....I know this because my boss is telling my coworker while they're standing at my desk. And I'm again held hostage at my desk because they are both standing right next to me...... My boss then turns to me and asks me..ME..the new girl who's only been here for 3 days...if she should be concerned. Here's where I wanted to curse and scream. How the heck am I supposed to know what that girl was thinking and what her true intentions are??? My job is handling cash and checks daily so it is possible the previous young lady was stealing but I really don't know and don't want to speculate. How can I really comment on someone's character that I've never met?? So I look at my boss with the dumb look (the one you give when someone asks you a dumb question) and tell her I am really not comfortable answering this question... She then realizes she shouldn't be asking me and apologizes. But the conversation continues.....OMG My whole week was full of moments like this.
So Wednesday the devils foot soldier was truly hard at work. I gave up cursing for Lent and committed to displaying grace, mercy & acceptance to everyone. I keep saying this because I have to keep reminding myself so I can stay focused. At any rate, most people have issues with their inlaws but I despise mine. Well really it's just my mother in law mostly....well I'm not married so Basims mom. Our relationship has never been a particularly good one and we've even come close to blows. I've always tried to be respectful because that's his mom. I wasn't raised to disrespect my elders or your partners family. So for the last 9 years I've mostly taken abuse from his family in some shape or another. Minus the one time we almost came to fisticuffs, I don't say anything when she maligns me and completely disrespects me. I've complained to my boyfriend and he says something... although it took him several years to intervene but that's another rant I'll get on later maybe.
For the last 9 years when his mother has disrespected me not only have I not said anything my family hasn't gotten involved. However, this week was a different ball game. So Basim posted a status about his Honey Do list and I jokingly commented:
Don't forget to do the following Honey ;)
Make the salad, wash the clothes, pick up the groceries, clean the kitchen and straighten out the living room. All this needs to be done BEFORE you pick me up. Then once you pick me up, take me to work out then we can go to Bible Study. Once that's done the list for today is complete ;) Tomorrow is a new day full of new Honey Can You Do things ;) welcome to the world of a house husband-LOVE YA!
Now every item on the list is something I've done myself while I was out of work. However the point is my comment was a joke and I even spoke with Basim during the course of the day so he knew it was a joke. Now my pastor also commented on his status that we needed to make it to Bible Study regardless of anything else-jokingly. Then Basim's little cousin commented on his status:
@Reese why would u write all that on his Wall? that is not cool...But I don't think I would be able to do all that either...Hope u get that new job cousin,then u can be at work all day and yall can work on these things together...
Now after she read my comment she let her mother read it, who then called his mother to tell her what I'd written. His mother then called me. First I typically NEVER answer when his mother calls me because Lord only knows what shes got to say and it's probably going to piss me off. But this time I didn't answer because I was working at my new job-I don't think it would look too good for me to answer my cell phone on my 3rd day at my new job. So when Basim picked me up I asked him what his mother called me for. Most times his mother calls me when she can't get in touch with him and she's probably spoken with him before I can determine the reason for her call. This time Basim had no idea what her reason was for calling. But I had a voicemail (which I might add I HATE checking my voicemail) so I decided to check my voicemail (begrudgingly of course) on speak phone. OMG the devils foot soldier left me a scathing message telling me she raised an f'g man and not an f'g yes man and she will kick my tail..and a bunch of other curse words I've given up for Lent. This 46 year old woman left me a message cursing me out and calling me a barrel of names because I asked my boyfriend to do some things around the house. Again, the items I listed weren't anything out of the ordinary, they weren't items demeaning or illegal. The items were regular household chores that you SHOULD do anyway to maintain your house.
Now before my blood can really get boiling God intervened..Basim picked up the phone and curse his mother out. Now when I say cursed his mother out I'm not really giving any justice to the tongue lashing he gave her. I will say he demanded she apologize to me-which she asked him to tell me she was sorry and he cursed some more & reminded her she called to curse me out so she should call me to apologize. He also demanded she stopped speaking to me in any old way-that one day someone (I presume me) is going to whip her tail because she doesn't know how to talk to people.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Basim actually came to my rescue and kicked some butt! While I was glad I was still hot-my skin was physically getting hotter by the moment. So instead of overreacting I called my mother (lol yes I called my mommy) and WOW she flipped out. She didn't say much but I knew she was mad.
So I went to work out and for every punch I took I was punching his mother in the face. Every squat I was pooping on his mom's face. It was wonderful! I pushed myself even harder than ever because of the motivation.
When I got home my mother instantly demanded to speak with Basim & I. She proceeded to sit us down & let Basim know in no uncertain terms was his mother to speak to me ever again. (that's the short of it)
Ok this is really long & really personal but I had to get it out...there's some more I need to say but my fingers are tired.
The first thing is I started working this week. Now I am thankful to have a job but honestly I know it's just a temporary thing. I know I'm there to learn something so I'm opening myself up and allowing myself to be a sponge so I can learn everything I need to learn in preparation for the next position. The job is fine minus the plenty awkward moments. I was actually hired because they had to fire the young lady who had my position. First my boss assured me they haven't had to fire more than 5 employees in their entire existence-thanks for the reassurance but I don't think that was anything I needed to know.....maybe it was considering everyone is laying people off in today's economy...I don't know but I really didn't need to know that. In any event, my boss was very very sad about firing the young lady. So Monday when I started I had to clean out her desk (she left abruptly Friday-after my boss watched her clean out her desk I must add) which is now my desk. While I was cleaning out the desk I found some paperwork pertinent to my functions. Now while I was cleaning out the desk I had no idea what the paperwork was or it's purpose. But I gave them to my co-worker who was totally confused as to why it was in my desk. Now I must add the paperwork was in my desk under some other stuff-looking very suspicious. So my co worker thinks about it for 10 minutes then goes to my boss to give her the paperwork. They don't really say much to me about it but my co worker comes back reporting my boss cried because she felt so bad about firing the previous young lady. Now I work in a counseling facility with a bunch of therapist who are very caring folks. So every time someone comes into my office to speak with my co worker they bypass my desk and head right to her desk to discuss what happened. (The way my office is configured my desk is first and if you come in you've pinned me in a corner if you will) So every day people have come in my office upset about the previous young lady and wanting to discuss the details about what happened. My co worker is an older Southern woman who will tell your business but on her time-so she hasn't given up the ghost but asked everyone to call the young lady directly. This would be fine if I wasn't held hostage in my office with people less then 10 feet from me speaking in hushed tones about what happened causing the previous employee to get fired and how she needs help. Now when I say she needs help I don't mean like they're looking down on her, instead they pity her. They want to help her financially in anyway they can-although she was let go with severance and unemployment along with wonderful references. How many jobs do you know fire you for misconduct and STILL give you severance???? But all my co workers want to help her in any way they can. This is awesome but I really don't want to know about it or discuss it.
So Wednesday, I went to my boss to give her a report and she then asked me about the paperwork I found Monday. So I take her back to my office to show her exactly where I found the paperwork. So I'm sitting at my desk, my boss is on my right and my co worker is on her right and after I show her where I found the paperwork they launch into a lengthy ultra private discussion. My boss is asking my coworker why would the paperwork be in the drawer, should she be concerned that maybe the previous employee....her voice trails off she doesn't say was stealing but she's alluding to it. My coworker is telling my boss she has no idea what to think because why would the paperwork be there. Apparently, the young lady told my boss she put the paperwork there meaning to get back to it....I know this because my boss is telling my coworker while they're standing at my desk. And I'm again held hostage at my desk because they are both standing right next to me...... My boss then turns to me and asks me..ME..the new girl who's only been here for 3 days...if she should be concerned. Here's where I wanted to curse and scream. How the heck am I supposed to know what that girl was thinking and what her true intentions are??? My job is handling cash and checks daily so it is possible the previous young lady was stealing but I really don't know and don't want to speculate. How can I really comment on someone's character that I've never met?? So I look at my boss with the dumb look (the one you give when someone asks you a dumb question) and tell her I am really not comfortable answering this question... She then realizes she shouldn't be asking me and apologizes. But the conversation continues.....OMG My whole week was full of moments like this.
So Wednesday the devils foot soldier was truly hard at work. I gave up cursing for Lent and committed to displaying grace, mercy & acceptance to everyone. I keep saying this because I have to keep reminding myself so I can stay focused. At any rate, most people have issues with their inlaws but I despise mine. Well really it's just my mother in law mostly....well I'm not married so Basims mom. Our relationship has never been a particularly good one and we've even come close to blows. I've always tried to be respectful because that's his mom. I wasn't raised to disrespect my elders or your partners family. So for the last 9 years I've mostly taken abuse from his family in some shape or another. Minus the one time we almost came to fisticuffs, I don't say anything when she maligns me and completely disrespects me. I've complained to my boyfriend and he says something... although it took him several years to intervene but that's another rant I'll get on later maybe.
For the last 9 years when his mother has disrespected me not only have I not said anything my family hasn't gotten involved. However, this week was a different ball game. So Basim posted a status about his Honey Do list and I jokingly commented:
Don't forget to do the following Honey ;)
Make the salad, wash the clothes, pick up the groceries, clean the kitchen and straighten out the living room. All this needs to be done BEFORE you pick me up. Then once you pick me up, take me to work out then we can go to Bible Study. Once that's done the list for today is complete ;) Tomorrow is a new day full of new Honey Can You Do things ;) welcome to the world of a house husband-LOVE YA!
Now every item on the list is something I've done myself while I was out of work. However the point is my comment was a joke and I even spoke with Basim during the course of the day so he knew it was a joke. Now my pastor also commented on his status that we needed to make it to Bible Study regardless of anything else-jokingly. Then Basim's little cousin commented on his status:
@Reese why would u write all that on his Wall? that is not cool...But I don't think I would be able to do all that either...Hope u get that new job cousin,then u can be at work all day and yall can work on these things together...
Now after she read my comment she let her mother read it, who then called his mother to tell her what I'd written. His mother then called me. First I typically NEVER answer when his mother calls me because Lord only knows what shes got to say and it's probably going to piss me off. But this time I didn't answer because I was working at my new job-I don't think it would look too good for me to answer my cell phone on my 3rd day at my new job. So when Basim picked me up I asked him what his mother called me for. Most times his mother calls me when she can't get in touch with him and she's probably spoken with him before I can determine the reason for her call. This time Basim had no idea what her reason was for calling. But I had a voicemail (which I might add I HATE checking my voicemail) so I decided to check my voicemail (begrudgingly of course) on speak phone. OMG the devils foot soldier left me a scathing message telling me she raised an f'g man and not an f'g yes man and she will kick my tail..and a bunch of other curse words I've given up for Lent. This 46 year old woman left me a message cursing me out and calling me a barrel of names because I asked my boyfriend to do some things around the house. Again, the items I listed weren't anything out of the ordinary, they weren't items demeaning or illegal. The items were regular household chores that you SHOULD do anyway to maintain your house.
Now before my blood can really get boiling God intervened..Basim picked up the phone and curse his mother out. Now when I say cursed his mother out I'm not really giving any justice to the tongue lashing he gave her. I will say he demanded she apologize to me-which she asked him to tell me she was sorry and he cursed some more & reminded her she called to curse me out so she should call me to apologize. He also demanded she stopped speaking to me in any old way-that one day someone (I presume me) is going to whip her tail because she doesn't know how to talk to people.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Basim actually came to my rescue and kicked some butt! While I was glad I was still hot-my skin was physically getting hotter by the moment. So instead of overreacting I called my mother (lol yes I called my mommy) and WOW she flipped out. She didn't say much but I knew she was mad.
So I went to work out and for every punch I took I was punching his mother in the face. Every squat I was pooping on his mom's face. It was wonderful! I pushed myself even harder than ever because of the motivation.
When I got home my mother instantly demanded to speak with Basim & I. She proceeded to sit us down & let Basim know in no uncertain terms was his mother to speak to me ever again. (that's the short of it)
Ok this is really long & really personal but I had to get it out...there's some more I need to say but my fingers are tired.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Flowers for the dead
So I just found out one of the most influential teachers I've ever had passed away. While I view death as a good thing my heart is truly rather heavy. Mr. Oglesby was the first teacher who made me think harder. He challenged us on a daily basis. Honestly he is the reason I got even more interested in Black History.
It's weird when you look back on the people who've made an impact on you. You might not always realize their importance but when you do sometimes it's mind blowing.
I can think back to his classes and remember how he used to make fun of some of the youthful trends. I remember how he challenged us to think outside the box. In his class I felt for the first time I was truly happy to be black and even happier to be a woman.
I don't know what else to say other than he really meant a lot to me. And in talking to a lot of girls I went to high school with I know he made a large impact on their lives as well.
RIP William Oglesby you were truly the best educator I've ever known.
It's weird when you look back on the people who've made an impact on you. You might not always realize their importance but when you do sometimes it's mind blowing.
I can think back to his classes and remember how he used to make fun of some of the youthful trends. I remember how he challenged us to think outside the box. In his class I felt for the first time I was truly happy to be black and even happier to be a woman.
I don't know what else to say other than he really meant a lot to me. And in talking to a lot of girls I went to high school with I know he made a large impact on their lives as well.
RIP William Oglesby you were truly the best educator I've ever known.
Am I A Godly Wife?
People often ask if I'm really engaged. I can't say that I've been officially asked but I can say it's what my boyfriend started. He started introducing me as his fiancee and I don't stop him.
Others ask what are we waiting for in terms of marriage and honestly I'm waiting for him to ask me and be ready. I used to wait anxiously for him to ask me and now I don't. Not because I don't want to marry him but honestly because I already feel like we're married.
People look at our relationship and think it's wonderful. They think our 9 years together is a sign of how much we love each other. In some ways it might be but I'd have to give the glory to God. I can't take any of the credit on why we're still together. Without going into details I'll say we've been through A LOT and even that's an understatement. I've sacrificed a lot and he may feel he's done the same.
Right now I believe God has me with the man I'm to spend the rest of my life with and every day isn't wonderful. Yes we argue-sometimes we walk out on each other but we end up right back with each other.
I can remember years of praying for him to be the man God had for me, asking God to make us evenly yoked. And one day I read a book (can't remember the title) and I realized I had it all wrong. The thing that stood out most was a minister speaking to a Singles Ministry at church. He asked the members if they were all praying for God to send them a mate-YES. Then he asked them if they, themselves, embodied all the Godly characteristics of a mate. And I had to ask myself the same question. I had to put myself in his shoes and see if I actually embodied Proverbs 31. And while I felt I was the best mate I could be and more; I realized I still had some progress.
There are times I get caught up in nagging and wanting him to be something he's not ready for or hasn't been. I realized I get angry because I don't accept him for who he is and where he is. He's not perfect and he's growing but instead of me recognizing that growth I was actually damning him for all that he wasn't and wasn't doing. How is that embodying a Godly wife? It's funny the things God brings us to. We recently spoke with our pastor who challenged us to display grace to one another.
You might think it's an easy task but truthfully it isn't. It means even though he hasn't cleaned the kitchen to my personal satisfaction I have to appreciate he put the dishes in the dishwasher. Even though Valentine's Day wasn't ultra romantic I had to appreciate the effort he put into planning it. Part of my showing him grace is also about me showing him mercy & acceptance just as God does for me.
So in this Lenten season I've taken up extending that same grace, mercy & acceptance to all I encounter. It's no easy task for a person who has pre-conceived notions about people. But it's something I'm praying about constantly because I want to be a Godly wife. I look at the biblical definition of love and realize there are somethings I still have to work on. So I'm working it.....but when he asks me I'll be ready
That's all
Others ask what are we waiting for in terms of marriage and honestly I'm waiting for him to ask me and be ready. I used to wait anxiously for him to ask me and now I don't. Not because I don't want to marry him but honestly because I already feel like we're married.
People look at our relationship and think it's wonderful. They think our 9 years together is a sign of how much we love each other. In some ways it might be but I'd have to give the glory to God. I can't take any of the credit on why we're still together. Without going into details I'll say we've been through A LOT and even that's an understatement. I've sacrificed a lot and he may feel he's done the same.
Right now I believe God has me with the man I'm to spend the rest of my life with and every day isn't wonderful. Yes we argue-sometimes we walk out on each other but we end up right back with each other.
I can remember years of praying for him to be the man God had for me, asking God to make us evenly yoked. And one day I read a book (can't remember the title) and I realized I had it all wrong. The thing that stood out most was a minister speaking to a Singles Ministry at church. He asked the members if they were all praying for God to send them a mate-YES. Then he asked them if they, themselves, embodied all the Godly characteristics of a mate. And I had to ask myself the same question. I had to put myself in his shoes and see if I actually embodied Proverbs 31. And while I felt I was the best mate I could be and more; I realized I still had some progress.
There are times I get caught up in nagging and wanting him to be something he's not ready for or hasn't been. I realized I get angry because I don't accept him for who he is and where he is. He's not perfect and he's growing but instead of me recognizing that growth I was actually damning him for all that he wasn't and wasn't doing. How is that embodying a Godly wife? It's funny the things God brings us to. We recently spoke with our pastor who challenged us to display grace to one another.
You might think it's an easy task but truthfully it isn't. It means even though he hasn't cleaned the kitchen to my personal satisfaction I have to appreciate he put the dishes in the dishwasher. Even though Valentine's Day wasn't ultra romantic I had to appreciate the effort he put into planning it. Part of my showing him grace is also about me showing him mercy & acceptance just as God does for me.
So in this Lenten season I've taken up extending that same grace, mercy & acceptance to all I encounter. It's no easy task for a person who has pre-conceived notions about people. But it's something I'm praying about constantly because I want to be a Godly wife. I look at the biblical definition of love and realize there are somethings I still have to work on. So I'm working it.....but when he asks me I'll be ready
That's all
Friday, February 19, 2010
God is AWESOME
So I've been uber productive last night and this morning. I actually called unemployment and I have to add I HATE calling them. They owe me for so many weeks plus some monies incorrectly debited. Every time I call them I end up on the phone for at least 45 minutes and if I'm lucky I speak with a half way intelligent and helpful person. Today was really no different minus the gentleman not knowing how to correct one of my issues. As does every other representative, he offered to send an email and fill out a form to hopefully expedite my process. So I will continue to pray that I'll eventually see some monies from the state of Pennsylvania (which would help since I'm FLAT broke).
I also made a few other business phone calls. Now this may seem small to some but I HATE talking on the phone. I know I know how can a person who loves to talk & can talk your ear off hate talking on the phone. I have no idea why I despise the phone so much but given the chance I'd rather text or email.
I also GOT A JOB! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I'm happy to have a job although I would prefer a higher salary. But the great things I have 100% company paid benefits (AWESOME), 4 weeks vacation time (even more AWESOME), and 15 sick/personal time. And I start Monday (DID I SAY YAY?!?!?!?)
I was supposed to work out today but my trainer enjoyed herself last night at Lou's & Chew's lol. So I'm supposed to work out on my own.....this should be interesting because quite frankly I don't feel like it. I have cramps (sorry for the TMI but this is my blog after all). I haven't had cramps in so long well I haven't really menstruated in a while (DEPO,then Blue, then Yaz) so it's NOT a fun experience. But somehow I'll make myself get in at least 20 minutes.
I'm also wondering how I'm going to do the Daniel's Fast for Lent. I honestly can't fast not just because I'm greedy (HEHE) but also because it goes against my weight loss battle. Now the Daniel's Fast would be easier if we hadn't just filled our fridge. So we're trying to take the next few days and eat up everything so we can refill the fridge with Fast friendly items.
I'm also really trying my best to watch my mouth and display grace & mercy. No easy task because it seems like when you're trying not to do something EVERYTHING is coming towards you.
Ok that's all I have for now......
I also made a few other business phone calls. Now this may seem small to some but I HATE talking on the phone. I know I know how can a person who loves to talk & can talk your ear off hate talking on the phone. I have no idea why I despise the phone so much but given the chance I'd rather text or email.
I also GOT A JOB! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I'm happy to have a job although I would prefer a higher salary. But the great things I have 100% company paid benefits (AWESOME), 4 weeks vacation time (even more AWESOME), and 15 sick/personal time. And I start Monday (DID I SAY YAY?!?!?!?)
I was supposed to work out today but my trainer enjoyed herself last night at Lou's & Chew's lol. So I'm supposed to work out on my own.....this should be interesting because quite frankly I don't feel like it. I have cramps (sorry for the TMI but this is my blog after all). I haven't had cramps in so long well I haven't really menstruated in a while (DEPO,then Blue, then Yaz) so it's NOT a fun experience. But somehow I'll make myself get in at least 20 minutes.
I'm also wondering how I'm going to do the Daniel's Fast for Lent. I honestly can't fast not just because I'm greedy (HEHE) but also because it goes against my weight loss battle. Now the Daniel's Fast would be easier if we hadn't just filled our fridge. So we're trying to take the next few days and eat up everything so we can refill the fridge with Fast friendly items.
I'm also really trying my best to watch my mouth and display grace & mercy. No easy task because it seems like when you're trying not to do something EVERYTHING is coming towards you.
Ok that's all I have for now......
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Another day
Where do I start....well I had a conversation with a friend the other day about Lent and the preparations for Lent. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to sacrifice for Lent. I would like to quit smoking but realistically that might not be a good option because I want to succeed. So that's out. Ok so I've also been having quite the potty mouth lately-so I choose to stop cursing. Ultimately, God said I needed to sacrifice myself. Now what exactly does that mean? I am under the impression God is giving me the gift of sight but not sure what that entails and what all it means. So I've been praying on it to confirm if it's me or God. But last night at service He confirmed that I was to sacrifice myself.
So that's my sacrifice and way to keep my faith. I still don't know what all it means but I do know each day I am determined to give my all to Him. I pray for His mercies knowing that I will probably not be all I should or could be but I know He forgives me.
Ok so I had an interview yesterday too if you read yesterday's blog and I wasn't sure how I felt about potentially rejoining the workforce. Well part of my conversation with my friend Tuesday night she mentioned how I had an interview on the first day of Lent and how God was moving. Truer words never spoken. Not only did I have an interview yesterday BUT I also received a follow up email for a position I applied to. The reason I'm sharing is because God is moving and I'm trying to be in tune with Him. I saw the position on indeed.com and tried to apply. I set up my profile, attached my resume but when it came time to add my work experience to the application I had issues. So I finally just walked away from it-this was Tuesday. Wednesday morning I guess, I received an email from the company asking me to complete my application if I wanted to be considered for the position-in my mind I was thinking ummm didn't I already do that?!?!? But obviously I hadn't done something completely. So I went back to the site and once again tried to enter my work experience, even going so far as to add my education experience. But again I could not enter my work experience. Totally frustrated I threw my mental hands up & said well I've attached my resume if you really want me you'll open the attachment I guess. WOW I can't believe from my lips to God's ears. Later that afternoon I received an email from the company asking to set up a phone interview next week. I don't know what God has planned for me but I'm walking in His will.
So I also worked on my battle with weight loss. An uphill battle I must admit. I tried to eat every 3 hours but honestly it sucks monkey balls. I'm not even hungry every 3 hours. Some days I don't eat but once and it's totally by mistake. But I worked out with Barb & took my love with me. She kicked my butt but only for an hour. And advised I didn't need to work out daily. Honestly, she makes me want to work out every day. I'll try to adhere to her words of wisdom but I can't guarantee it.
So I'm also trying to incorporate the Daniel's Fast into my daily diet. No easy task considering we just filled our fridge with tons of food that need to be cooked. So I'l try to knock those items out and then really kick the Fast into high gear.....hmmm I think that's all for now.
So that's my sacrifice and way to keep my faith. I still don't know what all it means but I do know each day I am determined to give my all to Him. I pray for His mercies knowing that I will probably not be all I should or could be but I know He forgives me.
Ok so I had an interview yesterday too if you read yesterday's blog and I wasn't sure how I felt about potentially rejoining the workforce. Well part of my conversation with my friend Tuesday night she mentioned how I had an interview on the first day of Lent and how God was moving. Truer words never spoken. Not only did I have an interview yesterday BUT I also received a follow up email for a position I applied to. The reason I'm sharing is because God is moving and I'm trying to be in tune with Him. I saw the position on indeed.com and tried to apply. I set up my profile, attached my resume but when it came time to add my work experience to the application I had issues. So I finally just walked away from it-this was Tuesday. Wednesday morning I guess, I received an email from the company asking me to complete my application if I wanted to be considered for the position-in my mind I was thinking ummm didn't I already do that?!?!? But obviously I hadn't done something completely. So I went back to the site and once again tried to enter my work experience, even going so far as to add my education experience. But again I could not enter my work experience. Totally frustrated I threw my mental hands up & said well I've attached my resume if you really want me you'll open the attachment I guess. WOW I can't believe from my lips to God's ears. Later that afternoon I received an email from the company asking to set up a phone interview next week. I don't know what God has planned for me but I'm walking in His will.
So I also worked on my battle with weight loss. An uphill battle I must admit. I tried to eat every 3 hours but honestly it sucks monkey balls. I'm not even hungry every 3 hours. Some days I don't eat but once and it's totally by mistake. But I worked out with Barb & took my love with me. She kicked my butt but only for an hour. And advised I didn't need to work out daily. Honestly, she makes me want to work out every day. I'll try to adhere to her words of wisdom but I can't guarantee it.
So I'm also trying to incorporate the Daniel's Fast into my daily diet. No easy task considering we just filled our fridge with tons of food that need to be cooked. So I'l try to knock those items out and then really kick the Fast into high gear.....hmmm I think that's all for now.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
It's funny how long I've been out of work. Funny because I'd never imagine I'd be without a job and actually be ok with that. I've been working since I was 15 years old-not just out of necessity but also because I love money and my own independence. I've been out of work over a year and possibly faced with having a job again I don't know how I feel about it. I've been asking God for guidance because I'm tired of depending on others so I can pay my bills and enjoy what little bit of life I have (with no income) and I had an interview today.
The interview went well and they've already started calling my references. So now I'm feeling a little anxious-I asked God for something and now He might be giving it to me but the real question is am I ready? I've committed to following God wherever He shall lead me even when it didn't make immediate sense so I'm listening and acting in His will. But I have to admit it's a lil' strange.
I wonder how I'll be able to juggle working, running my businesses, working out & maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I know it's possible but it's been quite a while since I've done it.
Oh well I'm going to follow Him where He leads me and stop worrying.
The interview went well and they've already started calling my references. So now I'm feeling a little anxious-I asked God for something and now He might be giving it to me but the real question is am I ready? I've committed to following God wherever He shall lead me even when it didn't make immediate sense so I'm listening and acting in His will. But I have to admit it's a lil' strange.
I wonder how I'll be able to juggle working, running my businesses, working out & maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I know it's possible but it's been quite a while since I've done it.
Oh well I'm going to follow Him where He leads me and stop worrying.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Taking a page from a friend
So I'm going to try and chronicle my struggle to change my lifestyle. I've been working out with Barbara Newton-Gleaton for the last month and whew it's hard work. My goal is to lose 60 lbs...I wanted to lose it by my birthday (3/15) but that's unrealistic. So right now I'm trying to work up the energy to force myself to work out with Jackie via On Demand.
You might look at me and try to understand why I want to lose so much weight but let's just say I'm not as thin as people think. I like to eat-so much so that I'll blow a paycheck eating where, when & what I want instead of paying bills...well if I could but you get the picture. At any rate, I've been wanting to lose weight for a while..years in fact...and I've done lots of stupid crap. I used to belong to LA Fitness but my checkbook was the only thing working out. I pseudo did Weight Watchers and I think I lost weight-I know I lost inches but the scale didn't register any pounds being shed. A few months ago I joined Lucille Roberts and I liked the classes but I would only go with a friend. So when she stopped going needless to say I stopped going.
Working out with Barb however has proven to be different. She's super duper supportive and motivational. I swear she's lying to me because every week she tells me how good I'm going. I see the results (in my legs mostly) but I don't enjoy feeling. But I will say what I enjoy most about working with Barb is she gives me exercises I can do on my own. So I do small things (some cliche) like take the 27 steps to the sanctuary in my church (not an easy task as there are no landings), if I drop something I do squats to pick them up, clean the house wearing weights etc. You might think those things are insignificant but they've helped. Now I don't have a scale so I have no idea really if I've lost pounds (I don't like scales they make me feel fat) but I can say my clothes feel different and my mother says I look different.
Whatever the case I'm trying. My nutrition is already in the right place now I just have to force myself to eat more often and watch my portion control. I HATE portion control. I mean really why can't I eat what I want until I don't want to eat.....alas it's no way to really lose weight but it's a good objection. But I might have to incorporate Weight Watchers with this because it helped me. But if you've been out to eat recently you also notice they've posted the amount of calories in each meal. Want to really feel fat-order the only meal on the menu with the most calories UGH.
So I'm going to get off the couch & have Jackie with her stupid perfect body tell me what to do and breath while I do it. Then tomorrow I'll go have Barb kick my ass some more and she'll tell me how she shed more pounds....she'll tell me she just had a baby & to get over it LMAO....I HATE that woman-really I do. She's so cheerful while making me do all these things that make my body hurt.
Ok ok I'm not providing any inspiration to those who might want to lose weight. But I know I want to be healthy and I'm determined to get there. SO I'll drink my Gatorade with Thermogen & POwerboost and work some fat off....
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You might look at me and try to understand why I want to lose so much weight but let's just say I'm not as thin as people think. I like to eat-so much so that I'll blow a paycheck eating where, when & what I want instead of paying bills...well if I could but you get the picture. At any rate, I've been wanting to lose weight for a while..years in fact...and I've done lots of stupid crap. I used to belong to LA Fitness but my checkbook was the only thing working out. I pseudo did Weight Watchers and I think I lost weight-I know I lost inches but the scale didn't register any pounds being shed. A few months ago I joined Lucille Roberts and I liked the classes but I would only go with a friend. So when she stopped going needless to say I stopped going.
Working out with Barb however has proven to be different. She's super duper supportive and motivational. I swear she's lying to me because every week she tells me how good I'm going. I see the results (in my legs mostly) but I don't enjoy feeling. But I will say what I enjoy most about working with Barb is she gives me exercises I can do on my own. So I do small things (some cliche) like take the 27 steps to the sanctuary in my church (not an easy task as there are no landings), if I drop something I do squats to pick them up, clean the house wearing weights etc. You might think those things are insignificant but they've helped. Now I don't have a scale so I have no idea really if I've lost pounds (I don't like scales they make me feel fat) but I can say my clothes feel different and my mother says I look different.
Whatever the case I'm trying. My nutrition is already in the right place now I just have to force myself to eat more often and watch my portion control. I HATE portion control. I mean really why can't I eat what I want until I don't want to eat.....alas it's no way to really lose weight but it's a good objection. But I might have to incorporate Weight Watchers with this because it helped me. But if you've been out to eat recently you also notice they've posted the amount of calories in each meal. Want to really feel fat-order the only meal on the menu with the most calories UGH.
So I'm going to get off the couch & have Jackie with her stupid perfect body tell me what to do and breath while I do it. Then tomorrow I'll go have Barb kick my ass some more and she'll tell me how she shed more pounds....she'll tell me she just had a baby & to get over it LMAO....I HATE that woman-really I do. She's so cheerful while making me do all these things that make my body hurt.
Ok ok I'm not providing any inspiration to those who might want to lose weight. But I know I want to be healthy and I'm determined to get there. SO I'll drink my Gatorade with Thermogen & POwerboost and work some fat off....
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Missing Pieces
Every time I watch Grey's Anatomy I find inspiration...YUCK but it's true:
I'm angry because I gave you valuable pieces of myself
pieces I can never recover
I'm madder at myself
mad for allowing myself to so easily give you those valuable pieces of me
I can NEVER regain those pieces
just watched them wash down the drain
And as I'm finding myself more & more
I've promised to NEVER give any part of me away again!
not freely, easily or at all!
I need all of me to be whole
and with those missing pieces
I feel incomplete
I can feel something is missing
and I wish I could figure out exactly what's missing
wish I could figure out how to get those pieces back
That which I sacrificed I'm not 100% sold that it was even worth it
not sure you deserved them or I deserved to lose them
And it's killing me because I want them back!
I want to be whole again
I want ALL my missing pieces.
There's been a catastrophe and no one cared
no one asked any questions
I just
let it happen
I let me go & I have NO idea why
I don't know why I loved you so much I gave you MY pieces
I don't know how to get what I lost back
because I still don't know what all I lost
I just know something is missing
major things are missing
It saddens me
hurts to the core
I'm missing
There's no road map to get back
no idea how to regain those pieces
I just know I want them back
more than I want babies...
Where did she go?
Why did she go?
How do I get those pieces back??????
I'm angry because I gave you valuable pieces of myself
pieces I can never recover
I'm madder at myself
mad for allowing myself to so easily give you those valuable pieces of me
I can NEVER regain those pieces
just watched them wash down the drain
And as I'm finding myself more & more
I've promised to NEVER give any part of me away again!
not freely, easily or at all!
I need all of me to be whole
and with those missing pieces
I feel incomplete
I can feel something is missing
and I wish I could figure out exactly what's missing
wish I could figure out how to get those pieces back
That which I sacrificed I'm not 100% sold that it was even worth it
not sure you deserved them or I deserved to lose them
And it's killing me because I want them back!
I want to be whole again
I want ALL my missing pieces.
There's been a catastrophe and no one cared
no one asked any questions
I just
let it happen
I let me go & I have NO idea why
I don't know why I loved you so much I gave you MY pieces
I don't know how to get what I lost back
because I still don't know what all I lost
I just know something is missing
major things are missing
It saddens me
hurts to the core
I'm missing
There's no road map to get back
no idea how to regain those pieces
I just know I want them back
more than I want babies...
Where did she go?
Why did she go?
How do I get those pieces back??????
Baby (insert your own) Drama
Can someone help me better understand the definition of co-parenting? There seems to be a rampant issue with folks not understanding their roles.
I've heard one too many stories of baby mama/daddy drama. My whole understanding is the two of you like each other at some point (even if it was under false pretenses), had sex & VIOLA! nine months later a child is born. Somewhere after conception someone made the decision to have and keep the child. So yall (YES YALL) committed to being in each others lives forever.
FOEVA, FOREVA FOR EVA EVA....YES! You committed to having a lifetime of interaction with another person because of another persons life. Sounds simple in my mind. I mean the decision was made to raise this child in the best of your (YES YALL) ability. There wasn't a contingency clause-if this, then that..not that but this-in the whole agreement. But somewhere the lines got mixed & signals crossed. Now it's two parents out of sync-damn.
Initially (in some cases)things started off just fine. Yall (YES YALL) wanted to be together for whatever reasons-love, convenience, semblance of a family etc; and things went along well. Then BOOM! Out of no where **blank stare** the relationship deteriorates and yall (YES YALL) went from the Huxtables to Mike Tyson & Buster Douglas seemingly overnight.
Now this transition is always the most interesting to me. You had a relationship with each other-like/loved each other & like lightning flash the other person "aint shit". All of a sudden **blank stare** the way they blink pisses you off. You don't want to share the same zip code let alone same room/house. You go from two parents trying to do what's best for your family to using your child/ren as cattle to barter.
The first confusing part is how did the other person suddenly become the devil. No matter how long you dated, the person now is never the person you started with???? **blank stare** People will always show you who they really are and it's up to you to believe them. So that guy isn't newly cheap-he's always been cheap! But you said "awww he's saving us money" I mean honestly everything you know now, you knew over the course of the relationship. So what did yall (YES YALL) miss? I understand and somewhat embrace the idea of dating a person's potential and dating their representative but again who they are at their core has shown through.
The other majorly confusing part is how the parenting relationship is mostly thrown out the window. I was under the impression parents want a better life for their children than they had themselves. That translates in my mind to-you came from a single parent home with an absent parent thus you want the other parent to play an integral part in your childs life.
(I'll have to keep working cause I can't get my thoughts out correctly....)
I've heard one too many stories of baby mama/daddy drama. My whole understanding is the two of you like each other at some point (even if it was under false pretenses), had sex & VIOLA! nine months later a child is born. Somewhere after conception someone made the decision to have and keep the child. So yall (YES YALL) committed to being in each others lives forever.
FOEVA, FOREVA FOR EVA EVA....YES! You committed to having a lifetime of interaction with another person because of another persons life. Sounds simple in my mind. I mean the decision was made to raise this child in the best of your (YES YALL) ability. There wasn't a contingency clause-if this, then that..not that but this-in the whole agreement. But somewhere the lines got mixed & signals crossed. Now it's two parents out of sync-damn.
Initially (in some cases)things started off just fine. Yall (YES YALL) wanted to be together for whatever reasons-love, convenience, semblance of a family etc; and things went along well. Then BOOM! Out of no where **blank stare** the relationship deteriorates and yall (YES YALL) went from the Huxtables to Mike Tyson & Buster Douglas seemingly overnight.
Now this transition is always the most interesting to me. You had a relationship with each other-like/loved each other & like lightning flash the other person "aint shit". All of a sudden **blank stare** the way they blink pisses you off. You don't want to share the same zip code let alone same room/house. You go from two parents trying to do what's best for your family to using your child/ren as cattle to barter.
The first confusing part is how did the other person suddenly become the devil. No matter how long you dated, the person now is never the person you started with???? **blank stare** People will always show you who they really are and it's up to you to believe them. So that guy isn't newly cheap-he's always been cheap! But you said "awww he's saving us money" I mean honestly everything you know now, you knew over the course of the relationship. So what did yall (YES YALL) miss? I understand and somewhat embrace the idea of dating a person's potential and dating their representative but again who they are at their core has shown through.
The other majorly confusing part is how the parenting relationship is mostly thrown out the window. I was under the impression parents want a better life for their children than they had themselves. That translates in my mind to-you came from a single parent home with an absent parent thus you want the other parent to play an integral part in your childs life.
(I'll have to keep working cause I can't get my thoughts out correctly....)
My Random Thoughts
There are so many things crossing my mind right now. So many topics I'd love to discuss...but every time I try to put them down I don't like something I've written or I'm sure there's a better way I could make my point. But I'm a writer at heart so I'm trying to be honest with myself and my passion.....in time everything will flow easily but until that point I may have a bunch of half written works.....enjoy
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