The Job with No Description

I HATE self discovery. The shit hurts like a mutha'fucka. There's no getting around or hiding from you. The mirrors are always exposing some inner dark secret you didn't want to acknowledge.

Being a mother is rewarding yet hard. I remember sitting in the room thinking I was a failure because I couldn't carry children. O remember how desolate I felt...how empty I felt. And I remember saying how badly I wanted a child & being honest enough to admit that's as far as I had taken the thought. I hadn't conceptualized anything else. Couldn't wrap my brain around anything other than having a pretty little baby doll. And now I am a mother. And while I love my child more than I could ever imagine loving anyone, I AM DROWNING. I wake up each day needing a break. Sometimes I dread hearing my suns cries because it means I have to sacrifice my own time. The time where I'm trying to figure out how to be a woman first and THEN a mother. Right now I know how to be a mother & not a woman.

There's so much no one can tell you about being a parent & how much it alters your life. Gone are the quiet moments where you lay in bed just staring at the ceiling. Gone are the quick errands....now everything involves transporting a person who can't walk or talk. And this person has an agenda of their own which is NEVER in line with your schedule.

It's exhilarating and exciting and I love staring at my suns face...but sometimes I wish I could put him on a shelf for a few. Just so I can get some rest, take a shower, shop...hell just so I'm not constantly thinking about him wondering if I'm doing a good job as a mother, wondering if he's on track developmentally, wondering if I'm doing enough, wondering what he will look like in years to come, how he will sound. Moments where I'm not worried constantly about hurting him in some crazy way because I'm clumsy or if I turn my head for 3 seconds. I miss those quiet moments. And honestly I wonder if I'm a horrible mother because I have those moments. I feel like I'm alone in this drowning.

And that alone is also what drives me insane. I'm not alone but I am. No one told me how much having a child changes a relationship. We aren't the same couple, some days we're not even the ghosts of who we used to be. And I have NO idea how to regain what's been....lost or changed..not sure which word fits the bill but ultimately its different. Again I love my sun & I'm grateful to be his mom but this is a job there is no description to aptly depict what you do. But wow...........its almost been a year & I can't believe we're both still here. That's all for now...that felt good.      

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4