Caught off guard

Thinking back to the day I watched what felt like my life go down the toilet...literally. I remember the pain like it was yesterday.

I lost a baby I so desperately wanted to keep. And on some level a piece of me died in those moments. I remember standing in the ER feeling like it was a scene from Greys Anatomy, standing in a pool of my own blood. I remember laying in that cold room feeling like less than a woman. And I remember the days after that wondering if I'd be able to have children. Wondering if the foolishness of being a teenager ruined my chances of ever being someone's Mom.

I am so thankful to have overcome that. Thankful to have a wonderful support system. Thankful for the nights I cried over & over feeling like I would never get over it. And a year almost to the day after that I found out I was pregnant with my sun.

I thought I had done the work needed to not be scared, to have no anxiety about the whole situation but each monthly cycle brings me back to the moments I watched my baby leave my body in the most horrible way imaginable. Each clot scares me & makes me wonder if history is repeating itself. And in the same breath I have no idea where these feelings come from. I have no idea what brings them to the surface. I stare at my Sun & pray that I will never have to bury him...and I look at my shoulder & wonder what could have been for a baby named Blue.

I just wish I knew where these feelings came from     

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