So yesterday I let those people talk me into auditioning for Pimps in the Pulpit...today I got head shots done. Honestly I think I SUCKED monkey balls. However, my photographer was kind enough to remind me that I have to settle into how I look on camera and I have to get comfortable. Sp while I couldn't relax fully I was able to just do it although my mind was screaming how stupid I look.
So tomorrow is the first of the wonderful days. I have an interview...I think I mentioned it...with Radio One. Honestly I'm excited more because of how it will help me than how I might help them. I'm so focused on the big picture..my mind is still firing a thousand things in a minute...just praying & waiting...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Ok so just when I want to count God out and really question His abilities...He comes back with the 1, 2 punch POW "How you like me now SUCKA" LOL So yes I'm really hype right now because I saw a Credit & Collections Mgr position with Radio One and was like I would LOVE to work there because it could springboard me into so many different avenues if I work it properly. And then I checked my voicemail which we all know I HATE with a passion, called them back & set up an interview for Friday. I'm so excited you would think I got the job I'm so jittery.................ok gotta actually do some work and pray on this one.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Every time I start writing I get the incredible urge to just keep going...keep purging and keep sharing... and in as much as I want to keep sharing I'm afraid of who's reading...although I know it's no one. I know I'm not really all that important although it would be nice to be important enough for folks to follow my thoughts and want to know more. Alas (I've been dying to insert that btw) I'm JustReesiey.
I was talking to my co worker (the one who I love and hate depending on the moment) and we were talking about relationships. She's been married for 43 years and she said they (her & her husband) still talk about things that attracted them to each other all those years ago and now...odd because I literally just had the same conversation.
See what I mean about writing..I'm literally just rambling on...no real aim or purpose but I need to get all this shit out. Sadly I am trying to get back to not cursing but I figure this is my place to say exactly what I'm thinking and not having to be apologetic about it.
Yes I'm a Christian who loves God and attends church mostly regularly...and yes I curse and yes I backslide...take it or leave it, that's just me...ok done for now
I was talking to my co worker (the one who I love and hate depending on the moment) and we were talking about relationships. She's been married for 43 years and she said they (her & her husband) still talk about things that attracted them to each other all those years ago and now...odd because I literally just had the same conversation.
See what I mean about writing..I'm literally just rambling on...no real aim or purpose but I need to get all this shit out. Sadly I am trying to get back to not cursing but I figure this is my place to say exactly what I'm thinking and not having to be apologetic about it.
Yes I'm a Christian who loves God and attends church mostly regularly...and yes I curse and yes I backslide...take it or leave it, that's just me...ok done for now
Airplanes
So I know God is listening to me because I feel like He's given me confirmation. However, He has yet to give me an answer. I've asked a few questions which are really regular questions that everyone at this point in their life asks...HOWEVER I've never been here before and honestly I don't know which direction to turn..
Ok I can't say that it's I don't know which direction to turn but more that I don't know which way to walk. So right now I'm sitting here. A few months ago I couldn't even do that successfully, so I consider it progress. But honestly I don't feel like it's enough progress. I want more and want to be more but feel helpless when it comes to putting that plan into action. I'm the type of woman who has to plan out everything, I have to be able to see everything ahead of time because I have to have control. Acknowledging that I am not in control and God is; there are many times that I wonder if He really knows what He's doing. Yea I know that takes real balls to say to God-are YOU sure *with much side eye* but it's real & I'm unapologetic for that.
As of late I've been faced more and more with ladies in my age group having babies...I get it. It's part of the natural succession at this time in my life. But it's everyone else. I can rattle off names of ladies who are expecting or just gave birth but I can't add my name to the list. Now I know that I want a baby but that's it. All I can focus on is wanting a baby....I can't get to the logistics of it right now because my emotions are too involved. My emotions scream that I want to be pregnant and feel the joys of being pregnant. Scream that I want to have a baby. Just have a baby. Now the emotional side of me can only think of the joys of being a mommy. I don't even feel like addressing the logical side right now.
But my emotional self wants a baby so bad that I'm taking pregnancy tests all the time and get really depressed when they say not pregnant. Now the logical side has no idea why the emotional side must do this every month & subject myself to the pain. But the emotional side needs this.
RIght now the emotional side craves a baby in her womb. Yearns to feel a baby..honestly I miss being pregnant and the excitement of growing another human inside me. Right now that's all I can focus on.
But it feels like God is just listening to my rants and saying "uh huh and how do you feel about that??" and that makes me want to give Him the finger, scream F U and run out the room. But since that's not realistic and I know that He does everything properly I have to wait. But honestly this shit sucks major monkey balls.
So right now I'm just wishing...
Ok I can't say that it's I don't know which direction to turn but more that I don't know which way to walk. So right now I'm sitting here. A few months ago I couldn't even do that successfully, so I consider it progress. But honestly I don't feel like it's enough progress. I want more and want to be more but feel helpless when it comes to putting that plan into action. I'm the type of woman who has to plan out everything, I have to be able to see everything ahead of time because I have to have control. Acknowledging that I am not in control and God is; there are many times that I wonder if He really knows what He's doing. Yea I know that takes real balls to say to God-are YOU sure *with much side eye* but it's real & I'm unapologetic for that.
As of late I've been faced more and more with ladies in my age group having babies...I get it. It's part of the natural succession at this time in my life. But it's everyone else. I can rattle off names of ladies who are expecting or just gave birth but I can't add my name to the list. Now I know that I want a baby but that's it. All I can focus on is wanting a baby....I can't get to the logistics of it right now because my emotions are too involved. My emotions scream that I want to be pregnant and feel the joys of being pregnant. Scream that I want to have a baby. Just have a baby. Now the emotional side of me can only think of the joys of being a mommy. I don't even feel like addressing the logical side right now.
But my emotional self wants a baby so bad that I'm taking pregnancy tests all the time and get really depressed when they say not pregnant. Now the logical side has no idea why the emotional side must do this every month & subject myself to the pain. But the emotional side needs this.
RIght now the emotional side craves a baby in her womb. Yearns to feel a baby..honestly I miss being pregnant and the excitement of growing another human inside me. Right now that's all I can focus on.
But it feels like God is just listening to my rants and saying "uh huh and how do you feel about that??" and that makes me want to give Him the finger, scream F U and run out the room. But since that's not realistic and I know that He does everything properly I have to wait. But honestly this shit sucks major monkey balls.
So right now I'm just wishing...
Friday, July 23, 2010
It's been a long while
So I haven't been blogging...I haven't been writing...I haven't been..well much of anything other than angry and depressed lately. Not so much depressed but more repressed due to living in a house with my mother & grandmother and NO Basim. It's rather pathetic if I think about it too hard that I can't live (locationally) without my fiancee/boyfriend/whateverheistoday...
It will be a year very soon to losing Blue and honestly...I miss being pregnant. that's all I should be doing work but I honestly don't feel like it.
It will be a year very soon to losing Blue and honestly...I miss being pregnant. that's all I should be doing work but I honestly don't feel like it.
Friday, March 19, 2010
It's Been A While
So I have been neglecting myself lately. Spending too much time in the car going from one place to another and not enough time on me. All my appointments are for my personal betterment but I've been neglecting me-the emotional me, the thoughtful me, the innovative me. I've spent the last few work weeks complaining about my job and how much it irritates me. I've spent the last few weeks wanting more from my businesses and more from my life. But in the last few weeks I've neglected me in the struggle to climb up.
So this morning I have a minute to take some time for me. I was able to actually lay in bed a few minutes longer and think clearly without rushing to get to work, thinking about what I have to do after work etc. I actually had a chance to talk to God and think about some of the things He's laid on my heart.
So I started a new job 2/22/10 which is a blessing and a curse (if you will). A gift because I've been on the couch for almost a year wishing I had a job and some real income.
A curse because no one at my job knows how to perform my functions. But in thinking and talking I realize this is actually an additional blessing. Because no one knows exactly what I do or how to do it, I can make my position whatever I want it to be. I had to realize it's actually pretty awesome to have a job I can mold into what I want it to be and make my earning potential increase based on what I bring to the table. So I was lying in bed this morning thinking about all the changes and implementations I'd like to make to my job and then I decided to listen to an inspirational call for Ardyss....and it made me realize I'm laying in bed thinking about how I can increase someone else but what am I doing to increase myself.
I'm very good at motivating myself to start something. I can picture myself doing great things and what the road looks like getting there. However I'm not really good at staying motivated........I really want to talk more about this but I need to get ready to go to my next appointment.
So this morning I have a minute to take some time for me. I was able to actually lay in bed a few minutes longer and think clearly without rushing to get to work, thinking about what I have to do after work etc. I actually had a chance to talk to God and think about some of the things He's laid on my heart.
So I started a new job 2/22/10 which is a blessing and a curse (if you will). A gift because I've been on the couch for almost a year wishing I had a job and some real income.
A curse because no one at my job knows how to perform my functions. But in thinking and talking I realize this is actually an additional blessing. Because no one knows exactly what I do or how to do it, I can make my position whatever I want it to be. I had to realize it's actually pretty awesome to have a job I can mold into what I want it to be and make my earning potential increase based on what I bring to the table. So I was lying in bed this morning thinking about all the changes and implementations I'd like to make to my job and then I decided to listen to an inspirational call for Ardyss....and it made me realize I'm laying in bed thinking about how I can increase someone else but what am I doing to increase myself.
I'm very good at motivating myself to start something. I can picture myself doing great things and what the road looks like getting there. However I'm not really good at staying motivated........I really want to talk more about this but I need to get ready to go to my next appointment.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Old Days
In a relationship it's very hard to get settled into a monotonous rhythm. Day in day out you do the same things. Even the romance side of things become humdrum-making love is routine even.
How do we forget the courting stage of our relationship? Remember the days when your stomach was filled with butterflies at the mere mention of his/her's name? How excited you'd get when they called. Now we're too old for the you hang up no you hang up first business but even as adults we do a similar dance.
The fact is the relationship gets boring. You get easily irritated with everything the other person does-how do you change that?
When you say to your partner "remember when...." why can't you take it back to those days? Why can't you create new things to ensure the romance isn't lost?
How do you do those things? I really don't have the answer but I know that "it" thing is presently missing and I wish I still had that old feeling.
How do we forget the courting stage of our relationship? Remember the days when your stomach was filled with butterflies at the mere mention of his/her's name? How excited you'd get when they called. Now we're too old for the you hang up no you hang up first business but even as adults we do a similar dance.
The fact is the relationship gets boring. You get easily irritated with everything the other person does-how do you change that?
When you say to your partner "remember when...." why can't you take it back to those days? Why can't you create new things to ensure the romance isn't lost?
How do you do those things? I really don't have the answer but I know that "it" thing is presently missing and I wish I still had that old feeling.
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