I wonder

I wonder what life would be like had I just gone left instead if right. What it would be like it I had just done right. Would I still be here, would I be happier....imagine this world with other decisions made.

I wonder would things be better had I picked another lover. Had I decided it was him & not you. Would I be more satisfied, would I still be single. I wonder what my kids would look like, what kind of car I drove & if we slept cuddled up at night.

I wonder if I had listened and followed my dreams once seeming so silly. Once believing they belonged to someone else.  Would I be richer or maybe just more self satisfied.

I try hard not to ponder what if's & shoulda, coulda but there are days, moments & people that make me wonder. Or maybe its the knowledge that inside I'm not happy. Can't discern for sure which one but today I sit back & wonder.

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Right Time

If I keep telling myself I don't love you, does that make it true? Or is it really I love the idea of you, the perfect person you represent because its everything I don't have? I can't be sure but I know this nagging feeling means something. Maybe its because I know this isn't right and I know what needs to be done. Weighing my options trying to discern the best course of action. If I look at the now its all elusive but the big picture provides so much focus......you were the right person. At the wrong time. Which means. You were never really the right person. Just a mirage in the desert.

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My Sounding Board

Since this is my sounding board & I need to sound off. Being a parent is one of the most rewarding & thankless jobs God could have given to man. Becoming a parent has taught me so many valuable lessons in just 8 months I'm overwhelmed each day.

I understand why God insists there are 2 parents raising a child. It's not a job meant for 1 person. I also understand why it's imperative those people are suitable for one another. If those 2 have any issues which need to be addressed, a child just fully exposes them & demands they be fixed immediately. But how do you fix something when everyone isn't on the same page.

This is the conundrum of parenting 

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I'm broken

I'm broken holding onto you

Waiting for you

Trying to fix you

Trying to be all for you

I'm broken

I'm trying to hold it together for you & them & everyone else

But inside each day I die a little more

Inside it hurts so fucking bad there are days I think I'm being pulled apart slowly with 2 forks.

I'm broken waiting for you

Praying that you'd get it together but you never will & I fear I will forever be broken

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Sometimes

There are so many things I want to accomplish to ensure I show my Sunshine something. With all my hopes & dreams I don't know what stops me from moving off this couch. I sit here wanting more & knowing what to do to get more & yet here I sit. Viewing the world from my window wishing it would somehow come to me.

I miss my friends yet I don't reach out to them like I should.

Sometimes I wonder what will really motivate me. I used to think it was my Sunshine but so far I'm just inspired to make sure he's getting everything he needs. Someone told me I shouldn't consider my life over just because I have a child but honestly I don't know how its not. I don't know how to restart. I'm afraid to miss something in his life & somehow mess up his development...so many issues I don't know where to begin although I know I have to eat life like an elephant. Just have to figure out where to start.

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What a difference a year (ok almost 2 makes)

I closed my blog a while ago when I was looking for a new job because I didn't want everyone to find my private thoughts....but I left so much on the page I knew it was time to come back.
So I left off having a secret....which ended up being the best thing that's ever happened to me. I had a little baby boy Samuel Albert Kevin and he has become the resident love of my life. I can't say that I've ever known love because every day I look at him I discover more love.
I gave birth to my sun in the comfort of my home surrounded by peace & love after dreaming about being welcomed into the mommy circle. It's had challenges I can't even aptly describe but I will try to chronicle some bits over time.
After giving birth to my love, my sunshine my job offered me the chance to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) and I gladly accepted....but it's been 8 months & while I love being home with that little boy there are days I miss adult interaction other than the folks I live with.
I have more but there's someone reading over my shoulder & I still view my blog like my journal I just need the words to flow & then you can read once I'm done.

But I'm back...enjoy the ride.