No longer in the play

OMG I almost forgot some news I can actually share. I am no longer in the play Pimps in the Pulpit. Why? Well the bottom line is because I was too sick to attend a photo shoot, so I was excused from the play. Now I've been trying very hard to keep my thoughts to myself but this is my blog and I haven't signed anything which prohibits me from speaking my peace so *heavy sigh of relief*
Let's take it back to the very beginning...Basim asked me if I as going to audition for this play and I said no, I listed several reasons why and left it at that. I never revisited the play or auditioning for it until a friend of mind reminded me. Now I believe I wrote about that previously so I'm not going to go too hard into it. But I auditioned and I made it (although the cocky part of me is like DUH) Fast forward to me having to purchase the book. Now I know several people read how much I enjoyed it (which I don't think I was nearly as honest about just how much I enjoyed *cough* this book) but I don't think too many people knew how ticked off I was at having to purchase the book. It's not the actual act of purchasing the book which angered me, it was the principal of the matter. While yes I auditioned to be in your play, the least you should do (in my humble opinion) is supply the proper tools necessary for me to do the *cough* contracted job. But no, after being told it was mandatory I read the book, I was not given a copy. Instead I was told I could purchase one from SBP or some local retailers. NOW with local retailers the disclaimer should have been it was print on demand only. Meaning they would not have copies readily available but I would have to order the book & wait for it to arrive. There was only 1 place who physically had a copy of the book and I think they're worth the shout out Black & Nobel 
Now I must mention that my lovely fiance was kind enough to go get the book and when he arrived asking for the book, the proprietor looked somewhat amazed that no one else had been there. Apparently, he was aware his store was the only store with physical copies for those who hadn't purchased from SBP directly. It appeared, from Basims account, that he was also aware no one had been informed. Sidebar: why can't we as black folks help each other out? I think it would have been wonderful to have used the collaboration to better both businesses.
Fast forward after the picnic, I was told I was going to get a contract by Sept 10...now for a while I was just not feeling things with this play. I can't quite lay my finger on it but nothing seemed to sit right with me. There are a few alleged celebrities (and I won't be rude and just tell you) who I question whether or not they'll actually be in the play. The venue has changed (which just happened but hey) and just overall a few things. Now I like to talk a lot...more than the average person. However, I do believe in concise communication thus when sending an email I make sure I only have to send one. PERIOD! I try to keep the email short and concise with all relevant information provided. HOWEVER I can't even begin to count how many emails I received, in one day...on the same thing but the following email would have clarification for the first email...or the fifth email would have clarification to the preceding emails. Now I don't mean to dog out SBP but 1. this is my blog 2. I hope that we can all learn from our mistakes. Please don't inundate me with meaningless info which could/should have been condensed and then proofread on the first attempt. Additionally, the service they used Constant Contact allows you to edit your email, schedule your email and a few other wonderful things PRIOR to sending the email. Once you send an email blast, you can track who's opened the email, interacted with it (if you put links in it) and some other cool metrics. But the point is you KNOW who's listening.
So after being sent countless emails, I also received text & voicemails..now if you know me you know how I feel about voicemails. But if you send me a text, followed with a voicemail AFTER sending me 30 emails-you've gotten on my nerves quite successfully. I'm not even going to go into how stupid the voicemail message was because it was...well my 3 month old niece could have left me a better SCRIPTED message.
 At any rate after all that I was still going to participate in the play provided the contract was to my liking. Now I just looked through the many emails I received to see when exactly I was told about the contract-August 8/19 I was told to email someone to obtain my contract. Let me just interject I didn't appreciate that either. I'm in your play, yes I work for you..but the whole notion that everyone must come to you for things you should provide is just perplexing to me. I noticed one day she put out a call for graphic designers and as people were giving her suggestions-she wanted the designers to email her directly. Ummm you need THEM not the other way around. So when I saw that I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me because that's just not my style. I believe in being humbly cocky-meaning there is a time for both but the key is to know when to be what.
I digress...so I emailed 8/23 asking for a copy of my contract and was told eventually I'd receive it along with my confidentiality agreement prior to our photo shoot so we could bring the physical copies with us to the shoot. Now this shoot also gave my angst because I never understood the reason behind it. I'm sure you're reading this thinking every production has a photo shoot which I'll agree to. However, the photo shoot was for headshots that were already provided when we auditioned because they weren't satisfied with those headshots. Ok that's fine too....so what's my issue? Asking me to pay for said photo shoot! I don't care how much it is, it's the principal. So right about then is when I got really aggitated. My spidey sense was tingling saying "if you have to pay to be in a production it's a scam"
There's way more but I don't feel like writing about this anymore...maybe I'll revisit...

So much on my mind.....

I've got a secret that I can't share with anyone and quite honestly, it's killing me. Well not killing me literally but it's eating me up. We all know I have a big mouth and I sometimes have trouble keeping things to myself. Especially when I don't think it's a big deal or anything that's a secret. And normally, my secret wouldn't be a secret...except given my life...it's a secret.

So every morning I wake up with my secret and look at it in the mirror Good Morning I cheerfully greet it. And every morning it looks at me, bewildered....trying to understand why exactly am I a secret again? And I honestly have an answer and that answer scares the shit out of me. See my secret....nope I can't share it..I can't elude to what it is either because....well that's cheating

Ok so how do I write about my secret in a way that helps me to release and still keep my secret? Someone suggested I actually write in my journal-negative because my mind moves faster than my hand. Then they suggested I send myself an email...so it can end up in email hell? I have tons of emails piling up that I've sent myself over the years which I've never opened.

So alas my secret remains just that. But I'm anxious to get it out....

Todays thoughts...

So I haven't had much on my brain to add to my book..too much life shit. My grandmother was back in the hospital this week. Originally they thought she had another TIA and was going to need a shunt to open a blocked artery. However, the head of neurology determined she didn't have a TIA and didn't need surgery. While that's awesome, she's been having severe chest pains since the weekend-which she told them about-and they did nothing. They sent her home & told her to follow up with her cardiologist. There are a few things angering me about the whole situation.
Now my grandmother is the most selfless person I know; there isn't anything she wouldn't do or give to a person in need. However, her health is the only thing she is selfish about. She goes to the doctors at least once a week for one thing or another (she'll be 80 at the end of the month and recognizes her age) but she NEVER follows doctors order to the t. If the doctor prescribes her medicine, she won't take it because she's concerned with how it will mix with her other prescriptions. Then if she does take the prescriptions she doesn't take the full dosage because she says medicine effects her differently and she doesn't like how they make her feel. That being said she doesn't actually like going to the doctors-I know I know so why does she go all the time???
So she's been having chest pains since the weekend-to the point where they've taken her breath away-but she hasn't taken any action. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital and of course she said no. So I left it alone because I didn't want to force her. But when she went to the hospital I assumed they would check into that as well but that would be the right thing to do. So they released her....awesome *insert sarcasm* So now she's still having chest pains and is scheduled to see the doctor tomorrow. But my issue is, since she was in a place that could have serviced her-why didn't they?
My grandmother also mentioned the cardiologist thought she might be going into congestive heart failure and scheduled a stress test which is why she was the hospital in the first place. So I'm ridiculously scared that she is slowly dying and no one is paying attention. I can't fight for her because I respect her wish to be in control. But that leaves me at a loss...I understand my grandmothers mortality and I hate it...but I think I'd prefer quality or quantity. So I don't want to overstep and go against her wishes and I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing.....

On to things I can actually control. So I've been struggling for months with weight loss. I've been going to the gym and working with ASY regularly but I can't say that I actually lost any weight. Physically all I did was tone but it was the best thing I ever did for my mental stability.
Working out allows me to air out my frustration. Most times I can visualize my issues and beat the crap out of them via my work out. Other times I'm too focused on working out & getting through it, I can't even think about my issues. In either capacity, after working out I always feel a million times better.
So I've been working out since January and wanted to actually lose weight but never did all the things needed to lose the weight. However, I finally listened to Barb and started eating properly. Well I am trying to maintain a 2,000 calories per day diet and sticking to water. So thanks to my new co-worker/friend Lauren I am able to pick better food choices. Now initially I used to think you had to diet and when I think of diet I think of sacrifice. I imagine all the food I love but shouldn't have and immediately that's all I want to eat. With my new 'diet' of 2,000 calories I can eat whatever I want provided it doesn't exceed my daily allowance.
So I look at this 'diet' as more of a lifestyle change. And I have to admit, the eating portion doesn't bother me at all. I had a chicken cheese steak the other night with some kettle cooked chips. Now instead of consuming the whole thing I cut it in half BEFORE I started and wrapped the rest. Then I only had 10 chips (I think Lauren says I can have 15 or something but I can't remember so I make 10 my magic number) which works for me because I don't eat a chips. Now the hard part is drinking all that water.
I used to LOVE water. I could drink it all the time without any issue. However, I didn't drink it exclusively.
Ok so right now I'm too tired to finish my thought but I'll try to revisit.