Airplanes

So I know God is listening to me because I feel like He's given me confirmation. However, He has yet to give me an answer. I've asked a few questions which are really regular questions that everyone at this point in their life asks...HOWEVER I've never been here before and honestly I don't know which direction to turn..
Ok I can't say that it's I don't know which direction to turn but more that I don't know which way to walk. So right now I'm sitting here. A few months ago I couldn't even do that successfully, so I consider it progress. But honestly I don't feel like it's enough progress. I want more and want to be more but feel helpless when it comes to putting that plan into action. I'm the type of woman who has to plan out everything, I have to be able to see everything ahead of time because I have to have control. Acknowledging that I am not in control and God is; there are many times that I wonder if He really knows what He's doing. Yea I know that takes real balls to say to God-are YOU sure *with much side eye* but it's real & I'm unapologetic for that.
As of late I've been faced more and more with ladies in my age group having babies...I get it. It's part of the natural succession at this time in my life. But it's everyone else. I can rattle off names of ladies who are expecting or just gave birth but I can't add my name to the list. Now I know that I want a baby but that's it. All I can focus on is wanting a baby....I can't get to the logistics of it right now because my emotions are too involved. My emotions scream that I want to be pregnant and feel the joys of being pregnant. Scream that I want to have a baby. Just have a baby. Now the emotional side of me can only think of the joys of being a mommy. I don't even feel like addressing the logical side right now.
But my emotional self wants a baby so bad that I'm taking pregnancy tests all the time and get really depressed when they say not pregnant. Now the logical side has no idea why the emotional side must do this every month & subject myself to the pain. But the emotional side needs this.
RIght now the emotional side craves a baby in her womb. Yearns to feel a baby..honestly I miss being pregnant and the excitement of growing another human inside me. Right now that's all I can focus on.
But it feels like God is just listening to my rants and saying "uh huh and how do you feel about that??" and that makes me want to give Him the finger, scream F U and run out the room. But since that's not realistic and I know that He does everything properly I have to wait. But honestly this shit sucks major monkey balls.
So right now I'm just wishing...