So yesterday I let those people talk me into auditioning for Pimps in the Pulpit...today I got head shots done. Honestly I think I SUCKED monkey balls. However, my photographer was kind enough to remind me that I have to settle into how I look on camera and I have to get comfortable. Sp while I couldn't relax fully I was able to just do it although my mind was screaming how stupid I look.
So tomorrow is the first of the wonderful days. I have an interview...I think I mentioned it...with Radio One. Honestly I'm excited more because of how it will help me than how I might help them. I'm so focused on the big picture..my mind is still firing a thousand things in a minute...just praying & waiting...

Ok so just when I want to count God out and really question His abilities...He comes back with the 1, 2 punch POW "How you like me now SUCKA" LOL So yes I'm really hype right now because I saw a Credit & Collections Mgr position with Radio One and was like I would LOVE to work there because it could springboard me into so many different avenues if I work it properly. And then I checked my voicemail which we all know I HATE with a passion, called them back & set up an interview for Friday. I'm so excited you would think I got the job I'm so jittery.................ok gotta actually do some work and pray on this one.

Every time I start writing I get the incredible urge to just keep going...keep purging and keep sharing... and in as much as I want to keep sharing I'm afraid of who's reading...although I know it's no one. I know I'm not really all that important although it would be nice to be important enough for folks to follow my thoughts and want to know more. Alas (I've been dying to insert that btw) I'm JustReesiey.
I was talking to my co worker (the one who I love and hate depending on the moment) and we were talking about relationships. She's been married for 43 years and she said they (her & her husband) still talk about things that attracted them to each other all those years ago and now...odd because I literally just had the same conversation.
See what I mean about writing..I'm literally just rambling on...no real aim or purpose but I need to get all this shit out. Sadly I am trying to get back to not cursing but I figure this is my place to say exactly what I'm thinking and not having to be apologetic about it.
Yes I'm a Christian who loves God and attends church mostly regularly...and yes I curse and yes I backslide...take it or leave it, that's just me...ok done for now

Airplanes

So I know God is listening to me because I feel like He's given me confirmation. However, He has yet to give me an answer. I've asked a few questions which are really regular questions that everyone at this point in their life asks...HOWEVER I've never been here before and honestly I don't know which direction to turn..
Ok I can't say that it's I don't know which direction to turn but more that I don't know which way to walk. So right now I'm sitting here. A few months ago I couldn't even do that successfully, so I consider it progress. But honestly I don't feel like it's enough progress. I want more and want to be more but feel helpless when it comes to putting that plan into action. I'm the type of woman who has to plan out everything, I have to be able to see everything ahead of time because I have to have control. Acknowledging that I am not in control and God is; there are many times that I wonder if He really knows what He's doing. Yea I know that takes real balls to say to God-are YOU sure *with much side eye* but it's real & I'm unapologetic for that.
As of late I've been faced more and more with ladies in my age group having babies...I get it. It's part of the natural succession at this time in my life. But it's everyone else. I can rattle off names of ladies who are expecting or just gave birth but I can't add my name to the list. Now I know that I want a baby but that's it. All I can focus on is wanting a baby....I can't get to the logistics of it right now because my emotions are too involved. My emotions scream that I want to be pregnant and feel the joys of being pregnant. Scream that I want to have a baby. Just have a baby. Now the emotional side of me can only think of the joys of being a mommy. I don't even feel like addressing the logical side right now.
But my emotional self wants a baby so bad that I'm taking pregnancy tests all the time and get really depressed when they say not pregnant. Now the logical side has no idea why the emotional side must do this every month & subject myself to the pain. But the emotional side needs this.
RIght now the emotional side craves a baby in her womb. Yearns to feel a baby..honestly I miss being pregnant and the excitement of growing another human inside me. Right now that's all I can focus on.
But it feels like God is just listening to my rants and saying "uh huh and how do you feel about that??" and that makes me want to give Him the finger, scream F U and run out the room. But since that's not realistic and I know that He does everything properly I have to wait. But honestly this shit sucks major monkey balls.
So right now I'm just wishing...

It's been a long while

So I haven't been blogging...I haven't been writing...I haven't been..well much of anything other than angry and depressed lately. Not so much depressed but more repressed due to living in a house with my mother & grandmother and NO Basim. It's rather pathetic if I think about it too hard that I can't live (locationally) without my fiancee/boyfriend/whateverheistoday...
It will be a year very soon to losing Blue and honestly...I miss being pregnant. that's all I should be doing work but I honestly don't feel like it.