Why don't we talk about it in real terms??? Most conversations I hear involve a mother who went crazy & killed her child. What about the mothers who zone out on their kids because they just don't know what to do? Those mothers who are struggling & at every turn feel like they're drowning.
Why don't we talk about that?
I am overwhelmed to the highest level of being overwhelmed. I don't think anything I'm doing is right but I'm not sure where to turn. And when resources do present themselves I don't know how to adjust my schedule accordingly. There are days taking a shower & brushing my teeth have been a major accomplishment. People make suggestions that sound wonderful but when I try to do them....I feel like I fail miserably. I don't know how to really do tummy time with my sun. I don't know how to keep my sun entertained while I clean the house thoroughly. Hell some days I don't know how to go to the bathroom without trying to put him in something he can't escape. I am overwhelmed and I would love to get out this funk but I don't know how.
These are the musing of a woman with PPD who would never harm her child but sometimes I just want to put him on a shelf for a few hours while I do something.....
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Postpartum depression
Monday, February 20, 2012
Very often we extend ourselves to people never expecting having to make good on the idle threat. We're often taken off guard when we are actually card upon. So why do ER extend ourselves in the first place? Often its an attempt to be courteous yet there's nothing more than the gesture. We say we're friends but don't expect to be called in a time of need. However we want others to be available when we attempt to cash in their threat. What a vicious cycle. What would the world be like if when we said 'should you need anything, call me' we actually meant it? When we said how are you, we actually took interest in how a person was instead of waiting for the polite response 'I'm fine & you'. Gone are the days we're truly interested in things unrelated to self. Gone are the days believing it takes a village to raise a child & help itself to sustain & maintain. We'd rather fast food our lives skipping to the good part with our have it your way mentality.
What would happen if we could get back to some of the qualities of our older generations?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Caught off guard
Thinking back to the day I watched what felt like my life go down the toilet...literally. I remember the pain like it was yesterday.
I lost a baby I so desperately wanted to keep. And on some level a piece of me died in those moments. I remember standing in the ER feeling like it was a scene from Greys Anatomy, standing in a pool of my own blood. I remember laying in that cold room feeling like less than a woman. And I remember the days after that wondering if I'd be able to have children. Wondering if the foolishness of being a teenager ruined my chances of ever being someone's Mom.
I am so thankful to have overcome that. Thankful to have a wonderful support system. Thankful for the nights I cried over & over feeling like I would never get over it. And a year almost to the day after that I found out I was pregnant with my sun.
I thought I had done the work needed to not be scared, to have no anxiety about the whole situation but each monthly cycle brings me back to the moments I watched my baby leave my body in the most horrible way imaginable. Each clot scares me & makes me wonder if history is repeating itself. And in the same breath I have no idea where these feelings come from. I have no idea what brings them to the surface. I stare at my Sun & pray that I will never have to bury him...and I look at my shoulder & wonder what could have been for a baby named Blue.
I just wish I knew where these feelings came from
Monday, February 6, 2012
The Job with No Description
I HATE self discovery. The shit hurts like a mutha'fucka. There's no getting around or hiding from you. The mirrors are always exposing some inner dark secret you didn't want to acknowledge.
Being a mother is rewarding yet hard. I remember sitting in the room thinking I was a failure because I couldn't carry children. O remember how desolate I felt...how empty I felt. And I remember saying how badly I wanted a child & being honest enough to admit that's as far as I had taken the thought. I hadn't conceptualized anything else. Couldn't wrap my brain around anything other than having a pretty little baby doll. And now I am a mother. And while I love my child more than I could ever imagine loving anyone, I AM DROWNING. I wake up each day needing a break. Sometimes I dread hearing my suns cries because it means I have to sacrifice my own time. The time where I'm trying to figure out how to be a woman first and THEN a mother. Right now I know how to be a mother & not a woman.
There's so much no one can tell you about being a parent & how much it alters your life. Gone are the quiet moments where you lay in bed just staring at the ceiling. Gone are the quick errands....now everything involves transporting a person who can't walk or talk. And this person has an agenda of their own which is NEVER in line with your schedule.
It's exhilarating and exciting and I love staring at my suns face...but sometimes I wish I could put him on a shelf for a few. Just so I can get some rest, take a shower, shop...hell just so I'm not constantly thinking about him wondering if I'm doing a good job as a mother, wondering if he's on track developmentally, wondering if I'm doing enough, wondering what he will look like in years to come, how he will sound. Moments where I'm not worried constantly about hurting him in some crazy way because I'm clumsy or if I turn my head for 3 seconds. I miss those quiet moments. And honestly I wonder if I'm a horrible mother because I have those moments. I feel like I'm alone in this drowning.
And that alone is also what drives me insane. I'm not alone but I am. No one told me how much having a child changes a relationship. We aren't the same couple, some days we're not even the ghosts of who we used to be. And I have NO idea how to regain what's been....lost or changed..not sure which word fits the bill but ultimately its different. Again I love my sun & I'm grateful to be his mom but this is a job there is no description to aptly depict what you do. But wow...........its almost been a year & I can't believe we're both still here. That's all for now...that felt good.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Truth
If I could tell the truth the walls couldn't contain everything I had to say. But if I tell the truth could I actually face it. Would I be able to deal with the severity of the truth, the realneas of the truth, the rawness, the hurt, the pain, the anger, the frustration....could I really look the truth face to face. Look it dead in the eyes & not be chilled to the bone with its cold hard eyes staring back at me.
And yet every day I see the truth. I feel it, I hear it...its all around me and yet I still can't walk in it, can't wear it like my favorite pair of jeans. Instead its like those jeans you promise you'll get back into when you lose the weight. And so far Weight Watchers isn't working. So I just run from it, hide it in places I hope to never see.
My truth would set me free, but with that freedom comes a new set of truths. And while it seems entertaining, I'd rather stick with pain that's familiar because...well that's the side that's currently being watered so the flowers are growing....albeit they're weeds just overrunning the garden but plants still the same. And really who wants to look at that.
My truth is ugly....my truth however is eating away at me. Gnawing my body from the inside out & its painful.
Dear God when will you make it stop...must I confront my truth?
Dear God............why....why me....
I don't want to see my truth or look at it...
But
It's
My
Truth
So one day I'll have to wear it & grow into it....but right now I'm comfortable in my uncomfortability.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
why why why
Why won't these thoughts leave my mind, these visions leave my dreams. I swore there wasn't room but obviously I was wrong. I used to know this space, used to know me..used to know my dreams. Apparently everything I thought I knew, everything I imagined....was off point.
Or was I.
Maybe I dreamt the wrong dream, imagined it all wrong.
Either way something has to give because I can't keep on like this. It's torture akin to living in hell. Too many variables needing to be shifted but I don't see how it could be possible. I want to figure it out but too painful...or maybe too painful to just remain in this hell.
Why....
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I wonder
I wonder what life would be like had I just gone left instead if right. What it would be like it I had just done right. Would I still be here, would I be happier....imagine this world with other decisions made.
I wonder would things be better had I picked another lover. Had I decided it was him & not you. Would I be more satisfied, would I still be single. I wonder what my kids would look like, what kind of car I drove & if we slept cuddled up at night.
I wonder if I had listened and followed my dreams once seeming so silly. Once believing they belonged to someone else. Would I be richer or maybe just more self satisfied.
I try hard not to ponder what if's & shoulda, coulda but there are days, moments & people that make me wonder. Or maybe its the knowledge that inside I'm not happy. Can't discern for sure which one but today I sit back & wonder.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Right Time
If I keep telling myself I don't love you, does that make it true? Or is it really I love the idea of you, the perfect person you represent because its everything I don't have? I can't be sure but I know this nagging feeling means something. Maybe its because I know this isn't right and I know what needs to be done. Weighing my options trying to discern the best course of action. If I look at the now its all elusive but the big picture provides so much focus......you were the right person. At the wrong time. Which means. You were never really the right person. Just a mirage in the desert.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
My Sounding Board
Since this is my sounding board & I need to sound off. Being a parent is one of the most rewarding & thankless jobs God could have given to man. Becoming a parent has taught me so many valuable lessons in just 8 months I'm overwhelmed each day.
I understand why God insists there are 2 parents raising a child. It's not a job meant for 1 person. I also understand why it's imperative those people are suitable for one another. If those 2 have any issues which need to be addressed, a child just fully exposes them & demands they be fixed immediately. But how do you fix something when everyone isn't on the same page.
This is the conundrum of parenting
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I'm broken
I'm broken holding onto you
Waiting for you
Trying to fix you
Trying to be all for you
I'm broken
I'm trying to hold it together for you & them & everyone else
But inside each day I die a little more
Inside it hurts so fucking bad there are days I think I'm being pulled apart slowly with 2 forks.
I'm broken waiting for you
Praying that you'd get it together but you never will & I fear I will forever be broken
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sometimes
There are so many things I want to accomplish to ensure I show my Sunshine something. With all my hopes & dreams I don't know what stops me from moving off this couch. I sit here wanting more & knowing what to do to get more & yet here I sit. Viewing the world from my window wishing it would somehow come to me.
I miss my friends yet I don't reach out to them like I should.
Sometimes I wonder what will really motivate me. I used to think it was my Sunshine but so far I'm just inspired to make sure he's getting everything he needs. Someone told me I shouldn't consider my life over just because I have a child but honestly I don't know how its not. I don't know how to restart. I'm afraid to miss something in his life & somehow mess up his development...so many issues I don't know where to begin although I know I have to eat life like an elephant. Just have to figure out where to start.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
What a difference a year (ok almost 2 makes)
So I left off having a secret....which ended up being the best thing that's ever happened to me. I had a little baby boy Samuel Albert Kevin and he has become the resident love of my life. I can't say that I've ever known love because every day I look at him I discover more love.
I gave birth to my sun in the comfort of my home surrounded by peace & love after dreaming about being welcomed into the mommy circle. It's had challenges I can't even aptly describe but I will try to chronicle some bits over time.
After giving birth to my love, my sunshine my job offered me the chance to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) and I gladly accepted....but it's been 8 months & while I love being home with that little boy there are days I miss adult interaction other than the folks I live with.
I have more but there's someone reading over my shoulder & I still view my blog like my journal I just need the words to flow & then you can read once I'm done.
Friday, November 19, 2010
My Truth
I don’t want to face the truth
it's dark and ugly while vibrant and freeing
how can it be
how can my truth be so multifaceted and complex
yet so simple
how can I keep living this lie when I know my truth lies just under the surface waiting for discovery
waiting for me to give life to it and breath
and maybe possibly some feet and teeth so it can take hold and run free
my truth is waiting to be set a loose
but my lie is easier to hold onto
it's familiarity keeps me here.
I know it
and it knows me
I can lie to it
and it to me
but I am not a liar
I don't tell lies
but I live carrying a lie
because immediately it feels lighter than the truth
the truth too heavy and I'm trying to get my muscles together but they're not cooperating
but the truth is looking for inviting day by day
and the lie............
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Thoughts Today
At the end it's just a day by day drudging I suppose...just going through the motions. But until I can unpack I don't think I will feel...
Monday, September 13, 2010
No longer in the play
Let's take it back to the very beginning...Basim asked me if I as going to audition for this play and I said no, I listed several reasons why and left it at that. I never revisited the play or auditioning for it until a friend of mind reminded me. Now I believe I wrote about that previously so I'm not going to go too hard into it. But I auditioned and I made it (although the cocky part of me is like DUH) Fast forward to me having to purchase the book. Now I know several people read how much I enjoyed it (which I don't think I was nearly as honest about just how much I enjoyed *cough* this book) but I don't think too many people knew how ticked off I was at having to purchase the book. It's not the actual act of purchasing the book which angered me, it was the principal of the matter. While yes I auditioned to be in your play, the least you should do (in my humble opinion) is supply the proper tools necessary for me to do the *cough* contracted job. But no, after being told it was mandatory I read the book, I was not given a copy. Instead I was told I could purchase one from SBP or some local retailers. NOW with local retailers the disclaimer should have been it was print on demand only. Meaning they would not have copies readily available but I would have to order the book & wait for it to arrive. There was only 1 place who physically had a copy of the book and I think they're worth the shout out Black & Nobel
Now I must mention that my lovely fiance was kind enough to go get the book and when he arrived asking for the book, the proprietor looked somewhat amazed that no one else had been there. Apparently, he was aware his store was the only store with physical copies for those who hadn't purchased from SBP directly. It appeared, from Basims account, that he was also aware no one had been informed. Sidebar: why can't we as black folks help each other out? I think it would have been wonderful to have used the collaboration to better both businesses.
Fast forward after the picnic, I was told I was going to get a contract by Sept 10...now for a while I was just not feeling things with this play. I can't quite lay my finger on it but nothing seemed to sit right with me. There are a few alleged celebrities (and I won't be rude and just tell you) who I question whether or not they'll actually be in the play. The venue has changed (which just happened but hey) and just overall a few things. Now I like to talk a lot...more than the average person. However, I do believe in concise communication thus when sending an email I make sure I only have to send one. PERIOD! I try to keep the email short and concise with all relevant information provided. HOWEVER I can't even begin to count how many emails I received, in one day...on the same thing but the following email would have clarification for the first email...or the fifth email would have clarification to the preceding emails. Now I don't mean to dog out SBP but 1. this is my blog 2. I hope that we can all learn from our mistakes. Please don't inundate me with meaningless info which could/should have been condensed and then proofread on the first attempt. Additionally, the service they used Constant Contact allows you to edit your email, schedule your email and a few other wonderful things PRIOR to sending the email. Once you send an email blast, you can track who's opened the email, interacted with it (if you put links in it) and some other cool metrics. But the point is you KNOW who's listening.
So after being sent countless emails, I also received text & voicemails..now if you know me you know how I feel about voicemails. But if you send me a text, followed with a voicemail AFTER sending me 30 emails-you've gotten on my nerves quite successfully. I'm not even going to go into how stupid the voicemail message was because it was...well my 3 month old niece could have left me a better SCRIPTED message.
At any rate after all that I was still going to participate in the play provided the contract was to my liking. Now I just looked through the many emails I received to see when exactly I was told about the contract-August 8/19 I was told to email someone to obtain my contract. Let me just interject I didn't appreciate that either. I'm in your play, yes I work for you..but the whole notion that everyone must come to you for things you should provide is just perplexing to me. I noticed one day she put out a call for graphic designers and as people were giving her suggestions-she wanted the designers to email her directly. Ummm you need THEM not the other way around. So when I saw that I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me because that's just not my style. I believe in being humbly cocky-meaning there is a time for both but the key is to know when to be what.
I digress...so I emailed 8/23 asking for a copy of my contract and was told eventually I'd receive it along with my confidentiality agreement prior to our photo shoot so we could bring the physical copies with us to the shoot. Now this shoot also gave my angst because I never understood the reason behind it. I'm sure you're reading this thinking every production has a photo shoot which I'll agree to. However, the photo shoot was for headshots that were already provided when we auditioned because they weren't satisfied with those headshots. Ok that's fine too....so what's my issue? Asking me to pay for said photo shoot! I don't care how much it is, it's the principal. So right about then is when I got really aggitated. My spidey sense was tingling saying "if you have to pay to be in a production it's a scam"
There's way more but I don't feel like writing about this anymore...maybe I'll revisit...
So much on my mind.....
So every morning I wake up with my secret and look at it in the mirror Good Morning I cheerfully greet it. And every morning it looks at me, bewildered....trying to understand why exactly am I a secret again? And I honestly have an answer and that answer scares the shit out of me. See my secret....nope I can't share it..I can't elude to what it is either because....well that's cheating
Ok so how do I write about my secret in a way that helps me to release and still keep my secret? Someone suggested I actually write in my journal-negative because my mind moves faster than my hand. Then they suggested I send myself an email...so it can end up in email hell? I have tons of emails piling up that I've sent myself over the years which I've never opened.
So alas my secret remains just that. But I'm anxious to get it out....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Todays thoughts...
Now my grandmother is the most selfless person I know; there isn't anything she wouldn't do or give to a person in need. However, her health is the only thing she is selfish about. She goes to the doctors at least once a week for one thing or another (she'll be 80 at the end of the month and recognizes her age) but she NEVER follows doctors order to the t. If the doctor prescribes her medicine, she won't take it because she's concerned with how it will mix with her other prescriptions. Then if she does take the prescriptions she doesn't take the full dosage because she says medicine effects her differently and she doesn't like how they make her feel. That being said she doesn't actually like going to the doctors-I know I know so why does she go all the time???
So she's been having chest pains since the weekend-to the point where they've taken her breath away-but she hasn't taken any action. I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital and of course she said no. So I left it alone because I didn't want to force her. But when she went to the hospital I assumed they would check into that as well but that would be the right thing to do. So they released her....awesome *insert sarcasm* So now she's still having chest pains and is scheduled to see the doctor tomorrow. But my issue is, since she was in a place that could have serviced her-why didn't they?
My grandmother also mentioned the cardiologist thought she might be going into congestive heart failure and scheduled a stress test which is why she was the hospital in the first place. So I'm ridiculously scared that she is slowly dying and no one is paying attention. I can't fight for her because I respect her wish to be in control. But that leaves me at a loss...I understand my grandmothers mortality and I hate it...but I think I'd prefer quality or quantity. So I don't want to overstep and go against her wishes and I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing.....
On to things I can actually control. So I've been struggling for months with weight loss. I've been going to the gym and working with ASY regularly but I can't say that I actually lost any weight. Physically all I did was tone but it was the best thing I ever did for my mental stability.
Working out allows me to air out my frustration. Most times I can visualize my issues and beat the crap out of them via my work out. Other times I'm too focused on working out & getting through it, I can't even think about my issues. In either capacity, after working out I always feel a million times better.
So I've been working out since January and wanted to actually lose weight but never did all the things needed to lose the weight. However, I finally listened to Barb and started eating properly. Well I am trying to maintain a 2,000 calories per day diet and sticking to water. So thanks to my new co-worker/friend Lauren I am able to pick better food choices. Now initially I used to think you had to diet and when I think of diet I think of sacrifice. I imagine all the food I love but shouldn't have and immediately that's all I want to eat. With my new 'diet' of 2,000 calories I can eat whatever I want provided it doesn't exceed my daily allowance.
So I look at this 'diet' as more of a lifestyle change. And I have to admit, the eating portion doesn't bother me at all. I had a chicken cheese steak the other night with some kettle cooked chips. Now instead of consuming the whole thing I cut it in half BEFORE I started and wrapped the rest. Then I only had 10 chips (I think Lauren says I can have 15 or something but I can't remember so I make 10 my magic number) which works for me because I don't eat a chips. Now the hard part is drinking all that water.
I used to LOVE water. I could drink it all the time without any issue. However, I didn't drink it exclusively.
Ok so right now I'm too tired to finish my thought but I'll try to revisit.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Ain't I American
Ain't my money green or does my skin tone spend differently
It's been 5 years and I still don't matter
Back then you left me on roof tops with water rising over my head
Back then you sent the troops with their guns ablaze ready to kill me while trying to get food out of the store
Back then I sat in the Super Dome for days waiting for someone to help us
But I must not be American because I don't look like you
My money must not spend because I still can't get any help nor justice
Ain't I American or does my skin tone make me different
Ain't my money green or does my skin tone spend differently
You sent my family miles away with a one way ticket, no money and no directions
I had no phone number, no email, no pigeon, no cup to find my folks
Those left you put us in trailers
forgetting I OWNED my property
The deed on that house belonged to me free & clear
But I must not be American because you never even cared
You set me up in a double wide like I should be proud
So in that trailer I sat, day by day getting sicker
Only to tell me as an afterthought oh by the way your trailer has formaldehyde because it was made with shoddy materials by folks who didn't care I was forced to raise my family here
Ain't I American?
I must not be because I didn't have the proper insurance to cover a flood let alone the worst natural disaster in American history
that must not be important because my skin tone was wrong
When they had bush fires in California Tide showed up to help those folks wash their clothes
Yet because my house ain't worth $500,000 no one came to my rescue
While I watched bodies of my neighbors float by no one came to my rescue
And now I sit wondering if I'm American
now I sit losing my mind and there's no help for me
Now all the minor resources I had before the storm are no longer available to me
See because Katrina was really yo bottom bitch
She wiped me away, evicted me without you having to get your hands dirty
So now you can take my land and say it's imminent domain.
Now you can take my land and put a casino and whatever else you deem appropriate
So I must not be American and my money not be green
cause 5 years later I'm no better than when the water was over my head
Now I just can't see the water, can't feel the debris against my feet
Now all the swimming I do is in my head
Just trying to survive second to second minute to minute
But I'm not American and my money must not be green because I'm still waiting for someone to come rescue me from this roof top, the Super Dome, the bridge....I'm still there you don't see me??
Friday, August 27, 2010
So here I sit, throwing my own pity party...
Eat Pray Love the Book
However, I have to admit I saw the movie before I read the book which is abnormal for me. While there are some variations from the book (and some of them major), I think the movie is a cohesive compilation of the book. The casting directors choice of Richard, for example, spot on. I actually think seeing the movie first allowed me to hear Julia Roberts narration of the book which allowed me to enjoy it a tidbit more.
But back to the book.
The reason this book appeals to a massive amount of women (it's a true chickflick so I don't know of any men who saw the movie or read the book) is because we're always in a state of reflection. We're always looking for the green light to enjoy life, to speak our peace, overall to do something. Every woman in the world is waiting for someone to give them the go ahead to live the life they dream of, to feel all the feelings they have, to think the thoughts coursing through their brains a million miles a minute. Admittedly, this book allows you to do just that. Not only does this book give women the power they think only happens in the movies, it also allows them to live vicariously through the author. While reading the book, there were many instances I found myself laughing out loud, very loud, because I can vividly imagine that scene occurring in real life. There were times I found myself crying because I too have been in the authors shoes.
After reading this book (and seeing the movie) my outlook on life has dramatically shifted. Not because I received a new message but simply because God has given me further confirmation to my mothers earlier advice "It's time to LIVE" And so I shall thanks to the last nail off the coffin Eat Pray Love.