Why don't we talk about it in real terms??? Most conversations I hear involve a mother who went crazy & killed her child. What about the mothers who zone out on their kids because they just don't know what to do? Those mothers who are struggling & at every turn feel like they're drowning.
Why don't we talk about that?
I am overwhelmed to the highest level of being overwhelmed. I don't think anything I'm doing is right but I'm not sure where to turn. And when resources do present themselves I don't know how to adjust my schedule accordingly. There are days taking a shower & brushing my teeth have been a major accomplishment. People make suggestions that sound wonderful but when I try to do them....I feel like I fail miserably. I don't know how to really do tummy time with my sun. I don't know how to keep my sun entertained while I clean the house thoroughly. Hell some days I don't know how to go to the bathroom without trying to put him in something he can't escape. I am overwhelmed and I would love to get out this funk but I don't know how.
These are the musing of a woman with PPD who would never harm her child but sometimes I just want to put him on a shelf for a few hours while I do something.....
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Postpartum depression
Monday, February 20, 2012
Very often we extend ourselves to people never expecting having to make good on the idle threat. We're often taken off guard when we are actually card upon. So why do ER extend ourselves in the first place? Often its an attempt to be courteous yet there's nothing more than the gesture. We say we're friends but don't expect to be called in a time of need. However we want others to be available when we attempt to cash in their threat. What a vicious cycle. What would the world be like if when we said 'should you need anything, call me' we actually meant it? When we said how are you, we actually took interest in how a person was instead of waiting for the polite response 'I'm fine & you'. Gone are the days we're truly interested in things unrelated to self. Gone are the days believing it takes a village to raise a child & help itself to sustain & maintain. We'd rather fast food our lives skipping to the good part with our have it your way mentality.
What would happen if we could get back to some of the qualities of our older generations?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Caught off guard
Thinking back to the day I watched what felt like my life go down the toilet...literally. I remember the pain like it was yesterday.
I lost a baby I so desperately wanted to keep. And on some level a piece of me died in those moments. I remember standing in the ER feeling like it was a scene from Greys Anatomy, standing in a pool of my own blood. I remember laying in that cold room feeling like less than a woman. And I remember the days after that wondering if I'd be able to have children. Wondering if the foolishness of being a teenager ruined my chances of ever being someone's Mom.
I am so thankful to have overcome that. Thankful to have a wonderful support system. Thankful for the nights I cried over & over feeling like I would never get over it. And a year almost to the day after that I found out I was pregnant with my sun.
I thought I had done the work needed to not be scared, to have no anxiety about the whole situation but each monthly cycle brings me back to the moments I watched my baby leave my body in the most horrible way imaginable. Each clot scares me & makes me wonder if history is repeating itself. And in the same breath I have no idea where these feelings come from. I have no idea what brings them to the surface. I stare at my Sun & pray that I will never have to bury him...and I look at my shoulder & wonder what could have been for a baby named Blue.
I just wish I knew where these feelings came from
Monday, February 6, 2012
The Job with No Description
I HATE self discovery. The shit hurts like a mutha'fucka. There's no getting around or hiding from you. The mirrors are always exposing some inner dark secret you didn't want to acknowledge.
Being a mother is rewarding yet hard. I remember sitting in the room thinking I was a failure because I couldn't carry children. O remember how desolate I felt...how empty I felt. And I remember saying how badly I wanted a child & being honest enough to admit that's as far as I had taken the thought. I hadn't conceptualized anything else. Couldn't wrap my brain around anything other than having a pretty little baby doll. And now I am a mother. And while I love my child more than I could ever imagine loving anyone, I AM DROWNING. I wake up each day needing a break. Sometimes I dread hearing my suns cries because it means I have to sacrifice my own time. The time where I'm trying to figure out how to be a woman first and THEN a mother. Right now I know how to be a mother & not a woman.
There's so much no one can tell you about being a parent & how much it alters your life. Gone are the quiet moments where you lay in bed just staring at the ceiling. Gone are the quick errands....now everything involves transporting a person who can't walk or talk. And this person has an agenda of their own which is NEVER in line with your schedule.
It's exhilarating and exciting and I love staring at my suns face...but sometimes I wish I could put him on a shelf for a few. Just so I can get some rest, take a shower, shop...hell just so I'm not constantly thinking about him wondering if I'm doing a good job as a mother, wondering if he's on track developmentally, wondering if I'm doing enough, wondering what he will look like in years to come, how he will sound. Moments where I'm not worried constantly about hurting him in some crazy way because I'm clumsy or if I turn my head for 3 seconds. I miss those quiet moments. And honestly I wonder if I'm a horrible mother because I have those moments. I feel like I'm alone in this drowning.
And that alone is also what drives me insane. I'm not alone but I am. No one told me how much having a child changes a relationship. We aren't the same couple, some days we're not even the ghosts of who we used to be. And I have NO idea how to regain what's been....lost or changed..not sure which word fits the bill but ultimately its different. Again I love my sun & I'm grateful to be his mom but this is a job there is no description to aptly depict what you do. But wow...........its almost been a year & I can't believe we're both still here. That's all for now...that felt good.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Truth
If I could tell the truth the walls couldn't contain everything I had to say. But if I tell the truth could I actually face it. Would I be able to deal with the severity of the truth, the realneas of the truth, the rawness, the hurt, the pain, the anger, the frustration....could I really look the truth face to face. Look it dead in the eyes & not be chilled to the bone with its cold hard eyes staring back at me.
And yet every day I see the truth. I feel it, I hear it...its all around me and yet I still can't walk in it, can't wear it like my favorite pair of jeans. Instead its like those jeans you promise you'll get back into when you lose the weight. And so far Weight Watchers isn't working. So I just run from it, hide it in places I hope to never see.
My truth would set me free, but with that freedom comes a new set of truths. And while it seems entertaining, I'd rather stick with pain that's familiar because...well that's the side that's currently being watered so the flowers are growing....albeit they're weeds just overrunning the garden but plants still the same. And really who wants to look at that.
My truth is ugly....my truth however is eating away at me. Gnawing my body from the inside out & its painful.
Dear God when will you make it stop...must I confront my truth?
Dear God............why....why me....
I don't want to see my truth or look at it...
But
It's
My
Truth
So one day I'll have to wear it & grow into it....but right now I'm comfortable in my uncomfortability.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
why why why
Why won't these thoughts leave my mind, these visions leave my dreams. I swore there wasn't room but obviously I was wrong. I used to know this space, used to know me..used to know my dreams. Apparently everything I thought I knew, everything I imagined....was off point.
Or was I.
Maybe I dreamt the wrong dream, imagined it all wrong.
Either way something has to give because I can't keep on like this. It's torture akin to living in hell. Too many variables needing to be shifted but I don't see how it could be possible. I want to figure it out but too painful...or maybe too painful to just remain in this hell.
Why....
Saturday, January 28, 2012
I wonder
I wonder what life would be like had I just gone left instead if right. What it would be like it I had just done right. Would I still be here, would I be happier....imagine this world with other decisions made.
I wonder would things be better had I picked another lover. Had I decided it was him & not you. Would I be more satisfied, would I still be single. I wonder what my kids would look like, what kind of car I drove & if we slept cuddled up at night.
I wonder if I had listened and followed my dreams once seeming so silly. Once believing they belonged to someone else. Would I be richer or maybe just more self satisfied.
I try hard not to ponder what if's & shoulda, coulda but there are days, moments & people that make me wonder. Or maybe its the knowledge that inside I'm not happy. Can't discern for sure which one but today I sit back & wonder.